I keep losing posts, so lets try this again.
I'll keep it brief since I am sick of rewriting everything. The short version is we have now hzd our boy for 5 days now, and each day is a little better than the one before. In many ways, Eli is like nora was, but at hyper speed ans without the super hard grieving. He loves his daddy, but is slowly warming up to me. I'm sure it would be faster if we didnt have nora here pushing him away everytime he tries to touch me. We're finding ways of working it out, though. Today he took the initiative to sit on my lap for a minute and smile at me. It was amazing.
Yesterday we visited his orphanage. It was a great, but very tough experience. So many babies. So many older kids. Thie good thing is that when the nannys tried to hold him he reached for kevin and was not interested in being with them. It also seemed to help him stop bunching me with all the other female caretakers he has had, and he is rejecting me less.
in addition to that, yesterday was also a day where I was sicker than I have been in years. Thanks McDonald's. I was in bed after the visit flucuating between worry that I might die, and worry that I might live. I was too weak to open a pack of crackers and got very dehydrated. Im feeling better, though still very weak.
Tomorrow we leave for Guangzhou, thank goodness. I wish ihad better feelings for ZZ, since its where we met our kids, but I always get sick here, and this time its jbeen rainy which makez it hard to get outside the hotel. Also they're doing construction on the hotel and the playroom is gone. Once agzin we are left to let our kids run the hallways ans bug the businessmen. Oh well.
Before I finish, I'll write about Eki, since that is what people want to hear about. He is a solid tank of a boy. I never expected our son to have a belly and thighs, but he has both in abundance. He definiteky has a strong temper, but is usually quite good about sharing and not touching thi gs he shouldn't. For now, he hates baths more than death, so we have the smelly kid. He has almost all his teeth and give ux great smiles. He sleeps very soundly and easily (hallelujah!!) In his crib (double hallelujah!!). He loves his jiejie, but doesnt like her trying to climb on Kevin. Hes kind of a linebacker and just powers through things. I keep wqiting for the other shoe to drop, but it seems like he is just dealing with all this new stuff in stride. Im afraid we have gotten the two cutest kids in china.
More pictures and some video soon, I hope. They're waking up, so its time to play uteruses before duderuses with Nora.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Lets try this again...and again.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Back in Beijing
Jen here. We arrived safe and sound at about 12 am last night. Nora did surprisingly well on the flight, sleeping for over half of the 12 hour trip. I, unfortunately, did not get much of any sleep. In fact, I have only gotten about 3 hours of sleep since Wednesday and its starting to affect me more than a little bit.
Things feel so much different this time. We returned to places we came last time and they haven't really changed. It's odd being in a city that we know so little about and be able to recognize where you are while driving down the road.
I'm too tired for detailed stories, so will say that today was a great day. We got stuck for hours in holiday traffic, saw the changing leaves at the great wall, helped Nora use a sqatty potty, and finaly met the woman who helped take care of nora while she was here. can't believe we're in beijing again! Tomorrow we fly to Henan and get ready to meet our babies.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Off We Go Again: Good Dry Run, Everybody
Kevin post! Huzzah.
Sorry for any errors. I'm trying out the Blogger app for our new tablet.
We were there. Bags packed, final moments of hours of panic starting to fade, we had everything we needed (we hoped) packed into two large suitcases and three smaller bags. Oh, and our daughter. Our hurried last-minute cramming session was starting to seem like we could almost call it a happy memory when we got to the airport and were gently informed that our flight doesn't leave until tomorrow.
A brief moment of frustration gave way to the realization that by our own stupidity we were given the gift of an extra 24 hours to, you know, breathe. It also then dawned on me that I would have to call my dad and tell him to come right back to the airport and pick us up. Oops.
I'm going to just keep repeating to myself that according to our social worker and the government of China, I am supposedly a competent parent that poses no danger to my children.
Oh well, we're packed well ahead of time, this time at least. :-)
More later.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Irony
Remember how I asked people to stop talking to us about the adoption until we get LOA? Well you all did perfectly at that task, which is now over!
WE HAVE LOA!!!!!!!
I got the email about an hour after that last post.
WE HAVE LOA!!!!!!!
I got the email about an hour after that last post.
The Sound of Silence
Remember how upset I was in the last post? How hard a time I was having with us being at day 57 of our LOA wait and no news? Well, today is now day 123.
I had no idea we would ever be waiting so long. The government office that issues approvals over there switched computer systems. In typical fashion, there were no plans on how to keep things moving if the new system had any glitches. In typical fashion, there were many glitches. Approvals all but ceased for almost 2 months. I don't even want to know how far behind this has put them. That's a lie, I want to know something... anything about what is going on with our paperwork.
Last month we had a lovely scare in the form of a fellow adoptive parent who was at PeiSong's orphanage and had to show proof of MMR vaccination since there was an outbreak of measles there. We got worried, and tried to find out what was going on. I kept telling myself that it was ok. That our boy had been vaccinated, certainly. I looked at his paperwork (I rarely look at anything about him that we have since it just makes the wait harder) and broke down in sobs when I saw the box for MMR was blank. He hadn't been vaccinated and he was in the same building as the highly contagious disease. We had to talk about things like mortality rates and how much higher they were in his situation (in the double digits vs. the .5% here). We waited for almost a week for our agency to find out what was going on. They told us that it was only 1 child and our boy was not the affected child. Of course, that conflicts with the information we had gotten from the mom who was there, but there was nothing we could do. There is still nothing we can do.
Our agency requested an update over a month ago. We still haven't gotten one. We are still left with those 4 little pictures as our only connection to our son.
All we have is unanswered questions. I want to believe that there is a reason for all this, but I don't know that I will ever know what it is. With silence surrounding us on all sides I have lost all hope of answers anytime soon...or ever, really.
I know it sounds melodramatic and I know people want to cheer me up. I realize that comments like, "Man, you should just go over there and get him!" are said with good intentions, but the only thing that will help right now is getting our approval.
When we accepted this little boy I was quite certain we would be traveling in August. It was a conservative time frame and LOAs were coming in relatively fast. We would now be lucky to go in October. Realistically, since we are moving and have to update our information with immigration, it is not out the the range of possibilities for us to have to wait until November or December to travel. It makes me sick. It makes me angry. It makes we want to scream. We are missing another 2 months of our son's life all because of red tape. It's like the hospital keeping your newborn from coming home for 2 months because the doctor hasn't signed the birth certificate. One signature. One. That is what we are waiting for.
To those who would wish to know what they could do or say to help, please know I love you and appreciate you, but I can't handle talking about the adoption anymore. I can't keep saying we have heard nothing. I can't keep nodding when you say how unfair it is. I can't repeat the process we need to go through before we can actually get on a plane . I can't force a smile when you assure me it will all be worth it. I especially can't stay in the room when you talk about your pregnancy or how you understand because you were a week overdue and it was terrible. Despite the waiting factor, this is not like pregnancy.
I assure you, when we actually have anything to share, we will. For now, just assume my silence mirrors China's and let's talk about something, anything else.
I had no idea we would ever be waiting so long. The government office that issues approvals over there switched computer systems. In typical fashion, there were no plans on how to keep things moving if the new system had any glitches. In typical fashion, there were many glitches. Approvals all but ceased for almost 2 months. I don't even want to know how far behind this has put them. That's a lie, I want to know something... anything about what is going on with our paperwork.
Last month we had a lovely scare in the form of a fellow adoptive parent who was at PeiSong's orphanage and had to show proof of MMR vaccination since there was an outbreak of measles there. We got worried, and tried to find out what was going on. I kept telling myself that it was ok. That our boy had been vaccinated, certainly. I looked at his paperwork (I rarely look at anything about him that we have since it just makes the wait harder) and broke down in sobs when I saw the box for MMR was blank. He hadn't been vaccinated and he was in the same building as the highly contagious disease. We had to talk about things like mortality rates and how much higher they were in his situation (in the double digits vs. the .5% here). We waited for almost a week for our agency to find out what was going on. They told us that it was only 1 child and our boy was not the affected child. Of course, that conflicts with the information we had gotten from the mom who was there, but there was nothing we could do. There is still nothing we can do.
Our agency requested an update over a month ago. We still haven't gotten one. We are still left with those 4 little pictures as our only connection to our son.
All we have is unanswered questions. I want to believe that there is a reason for all this, but I don't know that I will ever know what it is. With silence surrounding us on all sides I have lost all hope of answers anytime soon...or ever, really.
I know it sounds melodramatic and I know people want to cheer me up. I realize that comments like, "Man, you should just go over there and get him!" are said with good intentions, but the only thing that will help right now is getting our approval.
When we accepted this little boy I was quite certain we would be traveling in August. It was a conservative time frame and LOAs were coming in relatively fast. We would now be lucky to go in October. Realistically, since we are moving and have to update our information with immigration, it is not out the the range of possibilities for us to have to wait until November or December to travel. It makes me sick. It makes me angry. It makes we want to scream. We are missing another 2 months of our son's life all because of red tape. It's like the hospital keeping your newborn from coming home for 2 months because the doctor hasn't signed the birth certificate. One signature. One. That is what we are waiting for.
To those who would wish to know what they could do or say to help, please know I love you and appreciate you, but I can't handle talking about the adoption anymore. I can't keep saying we have heard nothing. I can't keep nodding when you say how unfair it is. I can't repeat the process we need to go through before we can actually get on a plane . I can't force a smile when you assure me it will all be worth it. I especially can't stay in the room when you talk about your pregnancy or how you understand because you were a week overdue and it was terrible. Despite the waiting factor, this is not like pregnancy.
I assure you, when we actually have anything to share, we will. For now, just assume my silence mirrors China's and let's talk about something, anything else.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Another month
The short version is that we have at least another month before we get our LOA.
The longer version is that we are still not out of translation, at least that our agency has heard, and it takes around 4 weeks to get LOA after the translation is complete. Many who are a month behind us in this wait are now passing us by, completing their translation and looking forward to their LOA arriving any day. There is a chance that we have completed translation and our agency just hasn't been notified. I really don't think that's the case though.
You see, we are not short line people. We had to wait 3 years to even start the paperwork for Nora's adoption, we had an 89 day wait for her LOA when the averages were in the 60 day range. Some people are lucky and get things quickly. We are not those people.
The short line people like to remind you that things will get better and to keep your chin up. They tell you it will all be worth it once you are holding your child in your arms. That you will forget the wait. That you will surely hear something very soon. Long line people know that the intention is good, but the words sting. It is very easy to tell someone a wait will be over once you are through it. It's easy to tell someone to keep their chin up and stay positive when the numbers have been on your side. I do realize that the waiting is not forever, but I also know from personal experience that the wait is not forgotten. It's worth it, but I felt every one of those 89 days, and I still do. I am now feeling the addition of these 47.
It's easy to spout of trite things like "Just breathe" and joke about a child being in "long distance daycare" when it's not you in the middle of it. I learned many years ago that all feelings are valid and are allowed to be felt. My feelings are ok, even if they aren't happy or positive. Most of the time they are, but right now I feel very like the weather outside my window. Cloudy, stormy, and angry.
You see, all the positive affirmations in the world don't change the fact that I am missing days, weeks, months of my child's life because someone with my paperwork took a day off, or just didn't feel motivated enough to get around to my work. I will miss first steps and first words because to that person I am just another stack of papers. I will have to survive on 2 pages of info and 4 pictures of my boy for another month or more rather than holding him because I got lost in the shuffle of bureaucracy.
I realize people just want to say something to make it better, anything to make the load a little lighter, and I appreciate the intent. I just wish that people would take a minute before telling me to "just smile through it" and imagine having a month with your child taken from you. All their smiles, all their tears, all the hugs and silly things they do gone. To be told to be happy and stay positive while you are missing so much. Yes, there will be other days and eventually he will be ours and we will be his, but even when we are brought together, I will occasionally grieve the time we have lost. It just sucks, and that's really all you can say.
The longer version is that we are still not out of translation, at least that our agency has heard, and it takes around 4 weeks to get LOA after the translation is complete. Many who are a month behind us in this wait are now passing us by, completing their translation and looking forward to their LOA arriving any day. There is a chance that we have completed translation and our agency just hasn't been notified. I really don't think that's the case though.
You see, we are not short line people. We had to wait 3 years to even start the paperwork for Nora's adoption, we had an 89 day wait for her LOA when the averages were in the 60 day range. Some people are lucky and get things quickly. We are not those people.
The short line people like to remind you that things will get better and to keep your chin up. They tell you it will all be worth it once you are holding your child in your arms. That you will forget the wait. That you will surely hear something very soon. Long line people know that the intention is good, but the words sting. It is very easy to tell someone a wait will be over once you are through it. It's easy to tell someone to keep their chin up and stay positive when the numbers have been on your side. I do realize that the waiting is not forever, but I also know from personal experience that the wait is not forgotten. It's worth it, but I felt every one of those 89 days, and I still do. I am now feeling the addition of these 47.
It's easy to spout of trite things like "Just breathe" and joke about a child being in "long distance daycare" when it's not you in the middle of it. I learned many years ago that all feelings are valid and are allowed to be felt. My feelings are ok, even if they aren't happy or positive. Most of the time they are, but right now I feel very like the weather outside my window. Cloudy, stormy, and angry.
You see, all the positive affirmations in the world don't change the fact that I am missing days, weeks, months of my child's life because someone with my paperwork took a day off, or just didn't feel motivated enough to get around to my work. I will miss first steps and first words because to that person I am just another stack of papers. I will have to survive on 2 pages of info and 4 pictures of my boy for another month or more rather than holding him because I got lost in the shuffle of bureaucracy.
I realize people just want to say something to make it better, anything to make the load a little lighter, and I appreciate the intent. I just wish that people would take a minute before telling me to "just smile through it" and imagine having a month with your child taken from you. All their smiles, all their tears, all the hugs and silly things they do gone. To be told to be happy and stay positive while you are missing so much. Yes, there will be other days and eventually he will be ours and we will be his, but even when we are brought together, I will occasionally grieve the time we have lost. It just sucks, and that's really all you can say.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Waiting, waiting.
When we adopted Nora, there was so much waiting that it almost drove me nuts! Particularly rough was our Letter of Approval (LOA) wait. At the time, the waits were reaching 100+ days for some, and 30 days for others. We ended up with LOA on day 89. By that point there is no real celebration, just relief coupled with anger. Anger that it took so long, anger that there is no way of knowing why you weren't one of the lucky ones with a short wait, anger that your child had to wait another month for their family, and anger that another month of your child's life is lost to you. There really is no rhyme or reason to the LOA wait. Some people have short waits, some have long and there is no way of knowing if you will get the email tomorrow or a month from now.
We are now on day 40 of our LOA wait. A couple weeks ago there were loads of people getting LOA after only 30 or so days, and the average wait had gone down to about 60 days. I had hoped that we would be one of the lucky ones this time around. That we would have a shorter wait since we had such a long one last time. That the universe would see that after all the stress we had to endure just to lock our boy's file we deserved to get in the short line. I had hoped, but deep down I know that is not for us. For whatever reason, we are not short-line people. I really don't expect that we will get our approval until mid/late May at the earliest.
The wait is easier and harder this time. Easier because I have a (mostly) sweet little girl to occupy my time with and remind me that the end of this paperwork is completely worth it. It's easy to fill my days and not spend too much time torturing myself about how long this is all taking.
It's also so much harder. Harder because I have a hilarious little spitfire who learns so many new things each day and reminds me how much I am missing by not having our boy with us. Harder because there are new parents all around me with their beautiful little babies reminding me that I can never experience the birth and first 16 months of my own children. And so much harder because, while we got an update and new pictures of Nora a couple weeks after getting PA, we still have only the pictures and information from PeiSong's file that we received 2 months ago. 4 pictures. 2 pages. All of which are 6 months old. That is the extent of the knowledge I have of my son. He turned 1 last month and I have no idea whether the day was acknowledged in any way or not. I don't know if he is standing or taking his first steps, I don't know what his first word was. I don't know if he has a full head of hair or if he is still covered in peach fuzz. I don't know if or when we will get any update on him, but if we do I will have to deal with the shock of picture proof that I have missed a year. I also don't know how his health is and if he is having any issues. It's a lot to not know.
What I do know is that eventually that approval will come and eventually we will get on a plane and go get our son. This time we know better about how the process works. I know where I can push, and I will most certainly be visiting Eagle's Wings so that Nora's other family can see how well she is doing. Perhaps her Ayis will see her silliness and nod to each other saying that she was always a bit of a show-off. Perhaps we will learn more about her time there and be able to answer her questions better as she grows up. At the very least I can hug the wonderful women who helped raise my sweet girl, if only for a short time, and tell them what it means to me to have her in my life. I also know that I will insist upon these same things with PeiSong's orphanage. Someday I will be able to tell him from my own memories what his caretakers were like and how they loved him.
I know that eventually I will be back to those early panicky days of not knowing anything about what my child likes and needs and I will mess up, and I will eventually cling to the few things I get right and build on it until we can come to an understanding of each other. I will always look back on those months I didn't get to spend with my children with regret, but I will have the days together to sweeten their bitterness and make me appreciate it all the more. Until then, I'll just keep staring at those 4 pictures and re-reading those 2 pages and hoping.
We are now on day 40 of our LOA wait. A couple weeks ago there were loads of people getting LOA after only 30 or so days, and the average wait had gone down to about 60 days. I had hoped that we would be one of the lucky ones this time around. That we would have a shorter wait since we had such a long one last time. That the universe would see that after all the stress we had to endure just to lock our boy's file we deserved to get in the short line. I had hoped, but deep down I know that is not for us. For whatever reason, we are not short-line people. I really don't expect that we will get our approval until mid/late May at the earliest.
The wait is easier and harder this time. Easier because I have a (mostly) sweet little girl to occupy my time with and remind me that the end of this paperwork is completely worth it. It's easy to fill my days and not spend too much time torturing myself about how long this is all taking.
It's also so much harder. Harder because I have a hilarious little spitfire who learns so many new things each day and reminds me how much I am missing by not having our boy with us. Harder because there are new parents all around me with their beautiful little babies reminding me that I can never experience the birth and first 16 months of my own children. And so much harder because, while we got an update and new pictures of Nora a couple weeks after getting PA, we still have only the pictures and information from PeiSong's file that we received 2 months ago. 4 pictures. 2 pages. All of which are 6 months old. That is the extent of the knowledge I have of my son. He turned 1 last month and I have no idea whether the day was acknowledged in any way or not. I don't know if he is standing or taking his first steps, I don't know what his first word was. I don't know if he has a full head of hair or if he is still covered in peach fuzz. I don't know if or when we will get any update on him, but if we do I will have to deal with the shock of picture proof that I have missed a year. I also don't know how his health is and if he is having any issues. It's a lot to not know.
What I do know is that eventually that approval will come and eventually we will get on a plane and go get our son. This time we know better about how the process works. I know where I can push, and I will most certainly be visiting Eagle's Wings so that Nora's other family can see how well she is doing. Perhaps her Ayis will see her silliness and nod to each other saying that she was always a bit of a show-off. Perhaps we will learn more about her time there and be able to answer her questions better as she grows up. At the very least I can hug the wonderful women who helped raise my sweet girl, if only for a short time, and tell them what it means to me to have her in my life. I also know that I will insist upon these same things with PeiSong's orphanage. Someday I will be able to tell him from my own memories what his caretakers were like and how they loved him.
I know that eventually I will be back to those early panicky days of not knowing anything about what my child likes and needs and I will mess up, and I will eventually cling to the few things I get right and build on it until we can come to an understanding of each other. I will always look back on those months I didn't get to spend with my children with regret, but I will have the days together to sweeten their bitterness and make me appreciate it all the more. Until then, I'll just keep staring at those 4 pictures and re-reading those 2 pages and hoping.
Friday, March 29, 2013
About our boy
We've gotten some requests to know more about our new little guy and, being happy to brag on my kids (so weird to be writing in plural!), I am happy to share what we know.
Like I mentioned in the previous post, Pei Song is in Zhengzhou, Henan, the same province as Nora. He is living ain an extremely nice facility and is getting superb care. We really have no worries about how he is doing currently, but are anxious to bring him to his forever home.
He was born April 7, 2012 and his name means Abundant (Pei, pronounced like pay) Pine tree (Song, pronounced like song). At 4 months old he was already 24 inches tall and weighed 18 pounds. As of last month he was 30" tall and weighed 24 pounds! Of course, that is probably a weight with all his winter layers on, so he probably weighs more like 22 pounds. Still, he is not a tiny boy, it would seem.
Now for the fun stuff! He likes to walk around in his walker, he is nimble and likes to rip up paper. He likes people he's familiar with to play with him and will stick out his hands to be held. When a stranger plays with him he will just stare at them and not give a response. he can understand adult's expressions and will run to the nannies in his walker when they call his name. He likes being held and spoken to. He likes to play by himself quetly or sit in his walker and go back and forth through the room leisurely (why does this make me picture him giving small nods of approval and waving?). He is a quiet, tranquil child but at his nany's side will become lively. He will crawl to his nanny asking for hugs. He will measure up strangers and wait for his nanny to get involved before he will give them a response. He likes sweet pear juice between meals and his favorite activity is to "talk" with the nannies.
The last paragraph of his description is my favorite:
We hope that after seeing Pei Song, he can have a loving home adopt him and we ask that his parents give him a loving and healthy development. We wish him a happy childhood and a beautiful future! We are confident that he will bring bundles of joy into your home.
I'm sure he will.
Like I mentioned in the previous post, Pei Song is in Zhengzhou, Henan, the same province as Nora. He is living ain an extremely nice facility and is getting superb care. We really have no worries about how he is doing currently, but are anxious to bring him to his forever home.
He was born April 7, 2012 and his name means Abundant (Pei, pronounced like pay) Pine tree (Song, pronounced like song). At 4 months old he was already 24 inches tall and weighed 18 pounds. As of last month he was 30" tall and weighed 24 pounds! Of course, that is probably a weight with all his winter layers on, so he probably weighs more like 22 pounds. Still, he is not a tiny boy, it would seem.
Now for the fun stuff! He likes to walk around in his walker, he is nimble and likes to rip up paper. He likes people he's familiar with to play with him and will stick out his hands to be held. When a stranger plays with him he will just stare at them and not give a response. he can understand adult's expressions and will run to the nannies in his walker when they call his name. He likes being held and spoken to. He likes to play by himself quetly or sit in his walker and go back and forth through the room leisurely (why does this make me picture him giving small nods of approval and waving?). He is a quiet, tranquil child but at his nany's side will become lively. He will crawl to his nanny asking for hugs. He will measure up strangers and wait for his nanny to get involved before he will give them a response. He likes sweet pear juice between meals and his favorite activity is to "talk" with the nannies.
The last paragraph of his description is my favorite:
We hope that after seeing Pei Song, he can have a loving home adopt him and we ask that his parents give him a loving and healthy development. We wish him a happy childhood and a beautiful future! We are confident that he will bring bundles of joy into your home.
I'm sure he will.
Monday, March 25, 2013
All's well that ends well
That last post was a doozy, wasn't it? Let's all take a deep breath and find our happy place, shall we?
A couple things before I write the conclusion of finding our boy. We had talked prior to getting our paperwork started about what our ideal situation for a second adoption would be. Nora had been given such wonderful care at Eagle's Wings that we got quite spoiled. Most families only get a handful of pictures of their child prior to meeting them. When Nora was placed in our arms, we were also given a flash drive that had several video clips and hundreds of photos. Yes, hundreds (I think between 2 and 3, but the fact remains that we got MANY pictures). Aside from being ahead developmentally, she was incredibly loved and properly spoiled. Heck, they even began calling her XioaNora to get her used to hearing her English name. In a perfect world we would bring home another little Eaglet, be able to visit all of Nora's ayis while we picked up the new little guy, and be spoiled all over again. This actually looked like a slim possibility when we finally had our dossier to our agency as they had one little boy on their list who was from EW as well. There was one significant problem with his file. He was exactly two weeks older than Nora. I know there are lots of opinions on virtual twinning and adopting out of birth order, but for us it just seemed like a recipe for disaster. Nora is VERY strong-willed and bringing in a brother who is instant competition like that would be unfair to her and to him. That said, I am still sad to say this little boy has not found his home and his file is going to the shared list very soon.
So, our dossier was to our agency, they were reviewing it, and it looked like we were going to need to choose between two very cute, though very different boys. The boy Kevin felt more drawn to was only 6 months old and had cl/cp, a need we were very familiar with by now. On paper it seemed perfect, and he was incredibly cute. The boy I kept coming back to was over a year old with a repaired heart condition. He was in a foster home that seemed to be doing a great job with his care, and I had felt from the beginning of our adoption journey with Nora that we had a heart baby out there.
Here's the thing. Having to "pick" your child sounds silly and novel in theory, but it is absolutely cruel and tortuous. I sat for hours staring at two little faces wondering if one was our son and heartbroken that one, maybe even both, was not meant for our family. How do you look at these precious babies and weigh pros and cons objectively? How do you let yourself grow attached to one at the expense of another. The one redeeming factor was that a few kids we had looked at previously had been matched to their families. We ultimately had to go by faith and trust that if one of these boys wasn't "ours" it was because there was a better fit out there for us and for them. It didn't make it much easier, but it did make it mostly bearable.
About 3 days into our 9-10 business day wait, a few new boys were added to the site. As always, they were adorable. As always, several fit into our list of needs and ages. I had Kevin look at them and ask what he thought, hoping that he might say "Ah, this one is ours" and take the decision out of my hands. After all, I had to be the first to verbally commit to Nora, it was only fair for it to be his turn, right? He mentioned a couple, but said that the little cl/cp boy (let's call him C) was probably still his top choice. He did point out one little boy who was incredibly cute and say he was curious about him (we'll call him S). I also thought he looked like a good potential match, but mostly I just felt frustrated and confused about all of it. I didn't worry about it too much, though. We still had over a week and surely these new boys would be matched before then.
The next day I looked at the site again, and again that new little boy kept drawing my attention. His medical description was a little confusing though. He was listed as having a hemangioma on the side of his head, but in his pictures, his ear appeared to be affected as well. On a Facebook group I am part of there was a discussion on him and wondering if he also had microtia/atresia or not. As it happens, one of Nora's buddies from EW has microtia/atresia of both ears and her mom works with hearing impaired kids everyday. We have spent the last year seeing updates on this little girl, and learning what a manageable need this really is. I spoke with her some and started feeling like we may need to add this little guy to our list of "contenders".
That night, Kevin and I had a long heart to heart about everything. He too had felt more and more drawn to this little boy, but having no real experience with hemangiomas or microtia we were a bit scared. For those who don't know, hemangiomas are birthmarks that typically disappear on their own by age 6-7 and rarely have any other underlying syndromes or worries with them. We talked very openly and honestly about where our comfort levels were with those needs. We also talked about the other two boys. What life would be like, why we felt drawn to them, what resources would be available for them, etc. It became clear after much talk and prayer that we would not be getting our heart baby just yet. For whatever reason, I was feeling less of a draw to him, and so we decided to stop considering the file of the 1 year old heart baby.
After that discussion I had pretty much decided we would be requesting the cl/cp baby's file. It's not that I felt more drawn to him (honestly, I didn't though the idea of such a young baby was very appealing) it's that I was worried about losing another file. I was emotionally tapped out. I wanted the decision out of my hands. We had talked plenty about the other boy and both seemed excited about the possibility of being his family, but there were some worries. S's need was not one we had originally listed on our medical sheet. Surely there were other families ahead of us open to his need. I felt sure that he would be matched before we could request his file, or at the very least there would be a long list of people in front of us wanting to review. As these worries popped into my head I felt calm. I felt a peace about it and new that if he was ours the way would be made clear. In a way, I wanted it to be C. We already knew we had "dibs" on his file. We knew he'd still be there. We knew we would probably travel to meet him before his first birthday, which is a huge luxury in this situation.
I wouldn't even let myself consider that I may have gotten an answer that night. I was too scared to be wrong, or lose a file, or who knows what other horrible things could happen in this crazy adoption story to do anything more than hold my hands over my ears saying "lalalala" while I got that moment of confirmation. I couldn't admit it then, or even after we were finally reviewing a file, but I can fully recognize now that I got as strong of an answer about our son as I did while looking at Nora's picture for the first time. I knew that night. I knew standing in front of our fridge in our dinky basement kitchen who our son was.
I felt peace, but knew we still had to wait another week or more for our dossier to be sent to China. I sent an email to our agency asking for clarification on S and whether there was more than just the hemangioma or not. I told her we were interested in possibly reviewing his file when the time came, but we understood that he was probably being reviewed already. I got an email back saying that our dossier review was done, and now it was being translated before going to China. She said that there was no microtia/atresia with S, just the hemangioma pushing his ear forward a bit. She sent a picture that showed it better. After looking at the picture, I noticed the file name was his name--his full name. Many orphanages assign one surname to their kids to help keep track of everyone. Nora's orphanage assigned a different one to the girls and the boys. I looked at his surname and started crying, finally admitted to myself what I'd known for more than a day. S was our boy. Nora had been given the girl's surname of Zhou, S had been given the surname Zheng, the one for the boys. They were from the same orphanage. I still didn't tell Kevin since I wanted him to have his own answer about this. Plus, we still had a bit of a wait...or so I thought.
The next morning I got an email from our agency. Our dossier was completed and off to China, which file would we like to review? I called Kevin in a bit of a panic. We talked a bit and he said "There's just something about S. I think we should ask for his file." I was having second and third thoughts all over the place. What if I was wrong? What if we were supposed to ask for C and if we ask for S we will lose C??? What if our boy wasn't either of these two??? So many worries. I stopped and forced myself to calm down. I felt the peace I had been feeling come back and, after a brief prayer, felt a strong comfort and the thought, "You already know you need to ask for S, so do it and don't be scared."
I called S and we laughed about what a different situation this was than our last referral call. After a bit of chit chat I asked her is S was available to review. She said he was and would I like to have his file sent? Yes! Yes, I would. After about 10 minutes my email chimed and I saw the pictures and medical information for our little boy. Everything looked great. There were some questions about the hemangioma, but otherwise our pediatrician had no concerns, nor did we. As it so happens, while he is still at the big orphanage that Nora was at for only a week or so, he is being cared for by a charitable foundation that has it's own floor of the orphanage called New Hope. It is almost exactly the kind of care that Nora received at Eagles Wings.
Remember my post about the little boy from EW that lives a few miles from us now? As it turns out, when his family was in China they made a visit to the New Hope home and had a picture of S from back in August. Oh, as it also happens, his dad just happens to be a radiologist who just happens to be BFFs with a highly renowned pediatric radiologist at our children's hospital, and they both just happened to be able to take a look at S's file over the weekend to help clarify his medical situation to us. At this point the amount of confirmations we were getting was a little ridiculous. I asked Kevin how he felt about it and he said it seemed like things were pointing to a yes, but he wasn't 100% positive. He asked how I felt and I said, "I'm pretty sure he's ours. Actually, I've known he was ours for three days." He just smiled at me the same way he did when I told him I had seen Nora's face before and said, "So when do we tell our family?"
Without further ado (cause really, haven't we all had enough of that???) here is the cute little face that we fell in love with.
And that's the story of how little PeiSong became our son.
At the risk of even more words, I just want to say a few things about C and the other little boys we considered. Any of those little boys would have been wonderful and amazing additions to our family, but we know that there are other families set aside for them that will give them what they need more than we can. Song, please don't ever worry that you were somehow less wanted or "meant" for our family than your sister because we had to take a bumpy road to find you. We needed those bumps to get us ready to see your perfect little face and know without any doubt that you were the missing piece of our family. We needed T to teach us about opening our views more, we needed C to remind us that even if something sounds great on paper it can still be different than the plan our Heavenly Father has for us. At the beginning of our adoption journey to you I read a quote that was one of those "just for me" moments and I knew I would need these words as we waited, and as we still wait to bring you home.
"Pray for your children; hold onto them with your faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God." --Orson F Whitney
There will be many more hard days, both before and after you are with us. There will be many more times when I need to hold onto you with my faith, but in finding you I have already seen the salvation of God. I love you, my sweet little BaoBao. In a few short months I will be able to hold you in my arms and tell you how much I loved you from the moment I saw your face, but for now this will have to do.
A couple things before I write the conclusion of finding our boy. We had talked prior to getting our paperwork started about what our ideal situation for a second adoption would be. Nora had been given such wonderful care at Eagle's Wings that we got quite spoiled. Most families only get a handful of pictures of their child prior to meeting them. When Nora was placed in our arms, we were also given a flash drive that had several video clips and hundreds of photos. Yes, hundreds (I think between 2 and 3, but the fact remains that we got MANY pictures). Aside from being ahead developmentally, she was incredibly loved and properly spoiled. Heck, they even began calling her XioaNora to get her used to hearing her English name. In a perfect world we would bring home another little Eaglet, be able to visit all of Nora's ayis while we picked up the new little guy, and be spoiled all over again. This actually looked like a slim possibility when we finally had our dossier to our agency as they had one little boy on their list who was from EW as well. There was one significant problem with his file. He was exactly two weeks older than Nora. I know there are lots of opinions on virtual twinning and adopting out of birth order, but for us it just seemed like a recipe for disaster. Nora is VERY strong-willed and bringing in a brother who is instant competition like that would be unfair to her and to him. That said, I am still sad to say this little boy has not found his home and his file is going to the shared list very soon.
So, our dossier was to our agency, they were reviewing it, and it looked like we were going to need to choose between two very cute, though very different boys. The boy Kevin felt more drawn to was only 6 months old and had cl/cp, a need we were very familiar with by now. On paper it seemed perfect, and he was incredibly cute. The boy I kept coming back to was over a year old with a repaired heart condition. He was in a foster home that seemed to be doing a great job with his care, and I had felt from the beginning of our adoption journey with Nora that we had a heart baby out there.
Here's the thing. Having to "pick" your child sounds silly and novel in theory, but it is absolutely cruel and tortuous. I sat for hours staring at two little faces wondering if one was our son and heartbroken that one, maybe even both, was not meant for our family. How do you look at these precious babies and weigh pros and cons objectively? How do you let yourself grow attached to one at the expense of another. The one redeeming factor was that a few kids we had looked at previously had been matched to their families. We ultimately had to go by faith and trust that if one of these boys wasn't "ours" it was because there was a better fit out there for us and for them. It didn't make it much easier, but it did make it mostly bearable.
About 3 days into our 9-10 business day wait, a few new boys were added to the site. As always, they were adorable. As always, several fit into our list of needs and ages. I had Kevin look at them and ask what he thought, hoping that he might say "Ah, this one is ours" and take the decision out of my hands. After all, I had to be the first to verbally commit to Nora, it was only fair for it to be his turn, right? He mentioned a couple, but said that the little cl/cp boy (let's call him C) was probably still his top choice. He did point out one little boy who was incredibly cute and say he was curious about him (we'll call him S). I also thought he looked like a good potential match, but mostly I just felt frustrated and confused about all of it. I didn't worry about it too much, though. We still had over a week and surely these new boys would be matched before then.
The next day I looked at the site again, and again that new little boy kept drawing my attention. His medical description was a little confusing though. He was listed as having a hemangioma on the side of his head, but in his pictures, his ear appeared to be affected as well. On a Facebook group I am part of there was a discussion on him and wondering if he also had microtia/atresia or not. As it happens, one of Nora's buddies from EW has microtia/atresia of both ears and her mom works with hearing impaired kids everyday. We have spent the last year seeing updates on this little girl, and learning what a manageable need this really is. I spoke with her some and started feeling like we may need to add this little guy to our list of "contenders".
That night, Kevin and I had a long heart to heart about everything. He too had felt more and more drawn to this little boy, but having no real experience with hemangiomas or microtia we were a bit scared. For those who don't know, hemangiomas are birthmarks that typically disappear on their own by age 6-7 and rarely have any other underlying syndromes or worries with them. We talked very openly and honestly about where our comfort levels were with those needs. We also talked about the other two boys. What life would be like, why we felt drawn to them, what resources would be available for them, etc. It became clear after much talk and prayer that we would not be getting our heart baby just yet. For whatever reason, I was feeling less of a draw to him, and so we decided to stop considering the file of the 1 year old heart baby.
After that discussion I had pretty much decided we would be requesting the cl/cp baby's file. It's not that I felt more drawn to him (honestly, I didn't though the idea of such a young baby was very appealing) it's that I was worried about losing another file. I was emotionally tapped out. I wanted the decision out of my hands. We had talked plenty about the other boy and both seemed excited about the possibility of being his family, but there were some worries. S's need was not one we had originally listed on our medical sheet. Surely there were other families ahead of us open to his need. I felt sure that he would be matched before we could request his file, or at the very least there would be a long list of people in front of us wanting to review. As these worries popped into my head I felt calm. I felt a peace about it and new that if he was ours the way would be made clear. In a way, I wanted it to be C. We already knew we had "dibs" on his file. We knew he'd still be there. We knew we would probably travel to meet him before his first birthday, which is a huge luxury in this situation.
I wouldn't even let myself consider that I may have gotten an answer that night. I was too scared to be wrong, or lose a file, or who knows what other horrible things could happen in this crazy adoption story to do anything more than hold my hands over my ears saying "lalalala" while I got that moment of confirmation. I couldn't admit it then, or even after we were finally reviewing a file, but I can fully recognize now that I got as strong of an answer about our son as I did while looking at Nora's picture for the first time. I knew that night. I knew standing in front of our fridge in our dinky basement kitchen who our son was.
I felt peace, but knew we still had to wait another week or more for our dossier to be sent to China. I sent an email to our agency asking for clarification on S and whether there was more than just the hemangioma or not. I told her we were interested in possibly reviewing his file when the time came, but we understood that he was probably being reviewed already. I got an email back saying that our dossier review was done, and now it was being translated before going to China. She said that there was no microtia/atresia with S, just the hemangioma pushing his ear forward a bit. She sent a picture that showed it better. After looking at the picture, I noticed the file name was his name--his full name. Many orphanages assign one surname to their kids to help keep track of everyone. Nora's orphanage assigned a different one to the girls and the boys. I looked at his surname and started crying, finally admitted to myself what I'd known for more than a day. S was our boy. Nora had been given the girl's surname of Zhou, S had been given the surname Zheng, the one for the boys. They were from the same orphanage. I still didn't tell Kevin since I wanted him to have his own answer about this. Plus, we still had a bit of a wait...or so I thought.
The next morning I got an email from our agency. Our dossier was completed and off to China, which file would we like to review? I called Kevin in a bit of a panic. We talked a bit and he said "There's just something about S. I think we should ask for his file." I was having second and third thoughts all over the place. What if I was wrong? What if we were supposed to ask for C and if we ask for S we will lose C??? What if our boy wasn't either of these two??? So many worries. I stopped and forced myself to calm down. I felt the peace I had been feeling come back and, after a brief prayer, felt a strong comfort and the thought, "You already know you need to ask for S, so do it and don't be scared."
I called S and we laughed about what a different situation this was than our last referral call. After a bit of chit chat I asked her is S was available to review. She said he was and would I like to have his file sent? Yes! Yes, I would. After about 10 minutes my email chimed and I saw the pictures and medical information for our little boy. Everything looked great. There were some questions about the hemangioma, but otherwise our pediatrician had no concerns, nor did we. As it so happens, while he is still at the big orphanage that Nora was at for only a week or so, he is being cared for by a charitable foundation that has it's own floor of the orphanage called New Hope. It is almost exactly the kind of care that Nora received at Eagles Wings.
Remember my post about the little boy from EW that lives a few miles from us now? As it turns out, when his family was in China they made a visit to the New Hope home and had a picture of S from back in August. Oh, as it also happens, his dad just happens to be a radiologist who just happens to be BFFs with a highly renowned pediatric radiologist at our children's hospital, and they both just happened to be able to take a look at S's file over the weekend to help clarify his medical situation to us. At this point the amount of confirmations we were getting was a little ridiculous. I asked Kevin how he felt about it and he said it seemed like things were pointing to a yes, but he wasn't 100% positive. He asked how I felt and I said, "I'm pretty sure he's ours. Actually, I've known he was ours for three days." He just smiled at me the same way he did when I told him I had seen Nora's face before and said, "So when do we tell our family?"
Without further ado (cause really, haven't we all had enough of that???) here is the cute little face that we fell in love with.
And that's the story of how little PeiSong became our son.
At the risk of even more words, I just want to say a few things about C and the other little boys we considered. Any of those little boys would have been wonderful and amazing additions to our family, but we know that there are other families set aside for them that will give them what they need more than we can. Song, please don't ever worry that you were somehow less wanted or "meant" for our family than your sister because we had to take a bumpy road to find you. We needed those bumps to get us ready to see your perfect little face and know without any doubt that you were the missing piece of our family. We needed T to teach us about opening our views more, we needed C to remind us that even if something sounds great on paper it can still be different than the plan our Heavenly Father has for us. At the beginning of our adoption journey to you I read a quote that was one of those "just for me" moments and I knew I would need these words as we waited, and as we still wait to bring you home.
"Pray for your children; hold onto them with your faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God." --Orson F Whitney
There will be many more hard days, both before and after you are with us. There will be many more times when I need to hold onto you with my faith, but in finding you I have already seen the salvation of God. I love you, my sweet little BaoBao. In a few short months I will be able to hold you in my arms and tell you how much I loved you from the moment I saw your face, but for now this will have to do.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
The plot thickens
I consider myself to be a somewhat patient and mostly reasonable person. Actually, I was pretty certain I had it together, but after this last month I'm not so sure. We decided early on in this second adoption to not go public with any announcement that we were going back to China until after we had been matched and gotten PA (pre-approval). It's not that we felt any less excited about this than last time, or that we were worried about people's reactions, but I know people's patience for this tedious process is pretty thin. Eyes glaze over when you have to respond with acronyms and various steps when they just want to know if you have a picture of your baby or when you are going to bring them home. The fact is, if I had been blogging about this before there would have been a lot of rage, frustration, and acting like a big baby. No one wants that, at least without an immediate resolution to the story. I guess what I'm saying is this post could have been a lot worse.
I'm not going to go into a whole diatribe, but I have gotten some questions about why a boy and people who are surprised that boys are even available. When people think of China adoption they think of girls. The one-child policy combined with cultural preference for boys made for many orphaned girls. Things have changed a fair bit in the15 years, though. There is another side to China adoption, and that is all the boys who wait.
The waiting child program is designed to help special needs kids find homes. Now, what China considers special needs is a bit different than what we do. There are, of course, the more demanding needs like Spina Bifida and Down"s Syndrome (I know there are many people who consider these totally doable needs, and I am not disputing that, it's just an example of some things that people tend to think of when the special needs tag gets used, apologies if I have offended anyone), but there are also things like cleft lip and palate, or birthmarks that can be repaired or don't affect daily life.
The thing with special needs is that, generally, they affect both boys and girls. For whatever reason (and there are many, but I won't go into it here) most adoptive parents chose to specify they would like a girl rather than a boy. I've heard different numbers, but the stats my agency gave me say that for every 4 families who specify a gender preference, only 1 will be open to a boy. I'm sure there's all sorts of math that could give a better idea of what the result of this is, but the quick answer is that many, many boys sit and wait for a family and their gender is the biggest strike against them. Nora's friend from Eagle's Wings who came home last year had almost the exact same medical condition she did waited 18 months longer than she did to be placed. Kids that don't fit the requests of the families our agency has get posted to their website in the hopes that a family will be found for them. Recently, a little boy who is only 6 months old has been sitting for over a month. It's pretty depressing, actually. Knowing what we do about the situation, I couldn't state a preference for a girl. We left it open to either, knowing we would almost certainly be bringing home a boy.
I spent the time during our paperchasing checking the waiting child page on our agency's site. I looked at pictures and brief descriptions and felt strongly that this time around we would have to do more than just sit and wait for a phone call. Sometimes I hate to be right.
We were, as I said in the last post, about a month from DTC (dossier to China) and we saw a picture and file that looked really promising. He had a different need than what we had originally planned on, but it felt quite manageable. We let ourselves hope and wonder if we had found our boy. We felt good about it and it seemed like God was letting us know we were on the right path. The next day I called the agency hoping to get more information. I was not prepared for that phone call.
You see, China gives the agency about 60 days to find a family for the kids they get sent. After that the file must be returned to a list that allows every agency to look at and lock a file for a family (meaning they can decide to move forward or not, but until they say no, no other families can review the file). This little boy, let's call him T, was going to be returned to the shared list very soon. Since our dossier wasn't yet complete, we were not eligible to review his file. This sweet little boy who had been sitting on their site with no one requesting his information would now be moved when a family was actually interested. It seemed so unfair! Could they ask for an extension? No. Was there a chance we could find him on the shared list? Slim, but yes. The problem is our dossier still wasn't done and he would have to sit there for another month before we could review his file. She would keep an eye out for him, but he would likely be matched quickly since the pool of potential families was so much bigger. She was so very sorry, but there was nothing we could do.
Three days later T's file was returned to the shared list and we lost all hope of being matched with him. Our agency couldn't find him and could only conclude he had, in fact, been matched.
I was devastated. I thought he was our boy. We both felt drawn to him. He seemed like a great fit. It didn't make sense. I thought of all the weeks we lost waiting for our social worker to get paperwork done and realized that if we had been faster we could have reviewed his file. It was an ugly time for me. I felt toyed with. I was pretty unpleasant to be around for a little while. I had to try to keep it together while Nora was around, though she did occasionally find me crying and would put her arms around me saying, "Mama, don't be sad. It's ok. Be happy."
Two things made me feel like things would work out and I shouldn't give up hope. I knew that Nora was the absolute perfect child for our family and that no other little girl could have been a better daughter for us than her, so the same would be true of our son and we would eventually find him. I also realized that perhaps our boy had a different need than we had planned on and we needed T to help open our eyes to other possibilities.
I eventually began looking at the listing of children again. I did it haphazardly and without much enthusiasm for a little while, but soon we were so close to having our dossier ready that I thought I was ready to open my heart to some kids again. I want to state, for the record, that I do not for one second regret a single tear I shed over T. These kids deserve families. They deserve to have someone fighting for them. They deserve so many things we can never give them. At the very least I can make sure he was wanted by someone.
I felt drawn to a number of children and had a really hard time figuring out what that meant. I guess the best conclusion that I can come to is that there were many cute kids and I liked them all. Kevin and I talked often about children we were interested in learning more about and who we felt we could provide a good home to. We jokingly talked about brackets and front-runners because how can you possibly "choose" your child? It was exciting and horrible at the same time. What made it ok was knowing that we were only deciding what children we were interested in looking at their medical files. We knew that if the child in question was "ours" we would get a confirmation of it like we did with Nora. That made it a bit less horrible.
Finally we had all of our paperwork done and sent our dossier to our agency. I called S, the same woman who called us with Nora's file almost 2 years ago, and asked her what the possibility of reviewing a file soon would be. We had two boys were were interested in looking at (though you can only look at one at a time) and were very leery of having a repeat of the situation with T. She said she wanted to get our dossier in hand, give it a quick once-over to make sure all was in order, but then she'd be happy to let us review a file so long as they didn't have to return it to the shared list soon. Things were finally looking up.
It was a short-lived happiness. Without going into it too much, we thought we were going to be able to review a file that weekend, S confirmed it, then S emailed the next day saying our dossier needed to be fully reviewed before they would consider it and the two files we were interested in might both have to go back before our deadline. This couldn't be happening. I was a MESS. Full ugly tears sobbing mess. I couldn't handle this again. We waited a few days and despite our complaints the agency wouldn't budge. After many conflicting stories about what could and could not be done, it seems they made up their minds. They wouldn't let us see a file until our dossier was sent to China, having been fully reviewed by our agency. Dossier review takes 9-10 business days. We were over two weeks from looking at files when we had been told it would be a day or two. That was a bad weekend.
The long and short of it is I had to find a peace about it. We confirmed with S that at least one of the files, but possibly both, should still be available and we were at the front of the line to review. At the very least, we could still be matched with one of these boys, we'd just need to be patient. I was ok with that, though I wasn't sure how it would turn out, and I still wasn't letting my heart get involved at all. A wall of protection was up and I wasn't taking it down until I had a file in my hand and the agency saying we could move forward.
I'm not going to go into a whole diatribe, but I have gotten some questions about why a boy and people who are surprised that boys are even available. When people think of China adoption they think of girls. The one-child policy combined with cultural preference for boys made for many orphaned girls. Things have changed a fair bit in the15 years, though. There is another side to China adoption, and that is all the boys who wait.
The waiting child program is designed to help special needs kids find homes. Now, what China considers special needs is a bit different than what we do. There are, of course, the more demanding needs like Spina Bifida and Down"s Syndrome (I know there are many people who consider these totally doable needs, and I am not disputing that, it's just an example of some things that people tend to think of when the special needs tag gets used, apologies if I have offended anyone), but there are also things like cleft lip and palate, or birthmarks that can be repaired or don't affect daily life.
The thing with special needs is that, generally, they affect both boys and girls. For whatever reason (and there are many, but I won't go into it here) most adoptive parents chose to specify they would like a girl rather than a boy. I've heard different numbers, but the stats my agency gave me say that for every 4 families who specify a gender preference, only 1 will be open to a boy. I'm sure there's all sorts of math that could give a better idea of what the result of this is, but the quick answer is that many, many boys sit and wait for a family and their gender is the biggest strike against them. Nora's friend from Eagle's Wings who came home last year had almost the exact same medical condition she did waited 18 months longer than she did to be placed. Kids that don't fit the requests of the families our agency has get posted to their website in the hopes that a family will be found for them. Recently, a little boy who is only 6 months old has been sitting for over a month. It's pretty depressing, actually. Knowing what we do about the situation, I couldn't state a preference for a girl. We left it open to either, knowing we would almost certainly be bringing home a boy.
I spent the time during our paperchasing checking the waiting child page on our agency's site. I looked at pictures and brief descriptions and felt strongly that this time around we would have to do more than just sit and wait for a phone call. Sometimes I hate to be right.
We were, as I said in the last post, about a month from DTC (dossier to China) and we saw a picture and file that looked really promising. He had a different need than what we had originally planned on, but it felt quite manageable. We let ourselves hope and wonder if we had found our boy. We felt good about it and it seemed like God was letting us know we were on the right path. The next day I called the agency hoping to get more information. I was not prepared for that phone call.
You see, China gives the agency about 60 days to find a family for the kids they get sent. After that the file must be returned to a list that allows every agency to look at and lock a file for a family (meaning they can decide to move forward or not, but until they say no, no other families can review the file). This little boy, let's call him T, was going to be returned to the shared list very soon. Since our dossier wasn't yet complete, we were not eligible to review his file. This sweet little boy who had been sitting on their site with no one requesting his information would now be moved when a family was actually interested. It seemed so unfair! Could they ask for an extension? No. Was there a chance we could find him on the shared list? Slim, but yes. The problem is our dossier still wasn't done and he would have to sit there for another month before we could review his file. She would keep an eye out for him, but he would likely be matched quickly since the pool of potential families was so much bigger. She was so very sorry, but there was nothing we could do.
Three days later T's file was returned to the shared list and we lost all hope of being matched with him. Our agency couldn't find him and could only conclude he had, in fact, been matched.
I was devastated. I thought he was our boy. We both felt drawn to him. He seemed like a great fit. It didn't make sense. I thought of all the weeks we lost waiting for our social worker to get paperwork done and realized that if we had been faster we could have reviewed his file. It was an ugly time for me. I felt toyed with. I was pretty unpleasant to be around for a little while. I had to try to keep it together while Nora was around, though she did occasionally find me crying and would put her arms around me saying, "Mama, don't be sad. It's ok. Be happy."
Two things made me feel like things would work out and I shouldn't give up hope. I knew that Nora was the absolute perfect child for our family and that no other little girl could have been a better daughter for us than her, so the same would be true of our son and we would eventually find him. I also realized that perhaps our boy had a different need than we had planned on and we needed T to help open our eyes to other possibilities.
I eventually began looking at the listing of children again. I did it haphazardly and without much enthusiasm for a little while, but soon we were so close to having our dossier ready that I thought I was ready to open my heart to some kids again. I want to state, for the record, that I do not for one second regret a single tear I shed over T. These kids deserve families. They deserve to have someone fighting for them. They deserve so many things we can never give them. At the very least I can make sure he was wanted by someone.
I felt drawn to a number of children and had a really hard time figuring out what that meant. I guess the best conclusion that I can come to is that there were many cute kids and I liked them all. Kevin and I talked often about children we were interested in learning more about and who we felt we could provide a good home to. We jokingly talked about brackets and front-runners because how can you possibly "choose" your child? It was exciting and horrible at the same time. What made it ok was knowing that we were only deciding what children we were interested in looking at their medical files. We knew that if the child in question was "ours" we would get a confirmation of it like we did with Nora. That made it a bit less horrible.
Finally we had all of our paperwork done and sent our dossier to our agency. I called S, the same woman who called us with Nora's file almost 2 years ago, and asked her what the possibility of reviewing a file soon would be. We had two boys were were interested in looking at (though you can only look at one at a time) and were very leery of having a repeat of the situation with T. She said she wanted to get our dossier in hand, give it a quick once-over to make sure all was in order, but then she'd be happy to let us review a file so long as they didn't have to return it to the shared list soon. Things were finally looking up.
It was a short-lived happiness. Without going into it too much, we thought we were going to be able to review a file that weekend, S confirmed it, then S emailed the next day saying our dossier needed to be fully reviewed before they would consider it and the two files we were interested in might both have to go back before our deadline. This couldn't be happening. I was a MESS. Full ugly tears sobbing mess. I couldn't handle this again. We waited a few days and despite our complaints the agency wouldn't budge. After many conflicting stories about what could and could not be done, it seems they made up their minds. They wouldn't let us see a file until our dossier was sent to China, having been fully reviewed by our agency. Dossier review takes 9-10 business days. We were over two weeks from looking at files when we had been told it would be a day or two. That was a bad weekend.
The long and short of it is I had to find a peace about it. We confirmed with S that at least one of the files, but possibly both, should still be available and we were at the front of the line to review. At the very least, we could still be matched with one of these boys, we'd just need to be patient. I was ok with that, though I wasn't sure how it would turn out, and I still wasn't letting my heart get involved at all. A wall of protection was up and I wasn't taking it down until I had a file in my hand and the agency saying we could move forward.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Once more unto the breach!
It's official! We're adopting again!
On Friday we got PA for our little guy and hope to be traveling to bring him home around August. We've gotten quite a few questions of how we got here, how we found him, and what we know about him, plus I want a record of how this adorable little boy came to be our son, so I suppose I better start at the beginning. I'll probably have to break this into parts since it's a bit long and convoluted.
We have truly been enjoying being a family of three and have had so much fun with Nora. We knew we wanted more children, but figured it would be a while until we were ready to have another one and we felt comfortable with that plan. We were planning on selling our house and getting settled in before starting any paperwork, but someone had different plans for us.
On November 4, 2012 we were sitting with our extended family at church while our newest nephew was blessed. Nora was sitting between us, and her cousin who is only a few months older than her decided to come share the chair with her. I looked at my little girl squished next to her cousin gabbering about crayons to each other and got a unexpected revelation. It was time to start paperwork for another adoption. I was not expecting this at all. I thought we would wait another 6 months at least before even discussing the possibility. Nora's adjustment has been tricky and she still doesn't like to let me out of her sight. How would she deal with another child vying for my attention? How would I handle being outnumbered while Kevin was at work? So many questions popped up. The only question that really mattered to me was how could I ignore this feeling? I couldn't and wouldn't try. It was time and I trusted (and still do) that this is how it should be. I turned to Kevin and said, "How would you feel about starting paperwork after we move?" (at the time, we were planning on listing at the beginning of the year). He was surprised, but said he felt good about it. For a few days I was sure this was the plan, but I kept getting a nagging feeling that while waiting to move was more convenient for us, it wasn't what we needed to do. We needed to get started right away. Soon after that we contacted our agency and social worker to get the process started.
In many ways it's been easier this time around. I knew what papers went where, who I needed to talk to about what, and where I could push and where I had to just deal with it. China allows families to re-use their dossiers, but only if they get approval for a specific child by the anniversary of your previous adoption. Since that was coming up in February it wasn't really a possibility. Sadly, we had to start from square one. New homestudy, new social worker (some changes had been made in requirements after we got Nora, so our social worker from that adoption wasn't able to do our homestudy), new fingerprints (because those change?). Lots of paperwork and mundane stuff that no one cares about. The good news is that we had our dossier ready in about 3 months vs. the 7 months it took last time. I kept pushing for it to get done faster because I kept feeling like it was a time-crunch to get done. Why? Well a little baby from Eagle's Wings was getting paperwork ready to be placed for adoption and, though it was a long shot, I knew there was a chance for us to be his family. We were about a month away from our paperwork being sent to China when he had his final physical prior to his file being sent to be placed. As it turns out, his heart defect had healed on it's own and he was getting such good care that he was no longer considered part of the special needs program. I was sad for about 3 seconds and then had to smile thinking of his family waiting 6 years for the file of a little girl from China and getting a phone call that it was actually a boy. Talk about surprises! Ultimately, I knew that our boy was out there and we needed the motivation to get our paperwork done quickly, but that this little guy was not ours.
Things seemed to be going (relatively) smoothly. Little did I know the drama that was coming.
If you recall from all the paperwork last time, one of the last things a couple needs to get done is an approval from US immigration to bring a child in as a citizen. Our dossier was complete, save for that paper, and we new it was a matter of days until we had it in hand. Our placing agency has a website where they post pictures and information of little kids who have not been matched with a family and I looked at it quite frequently to say the least. I saw so many adorable little boys who seemed to match our needs so well. Unfortunately we were not yet eligible to look over any files since our dossier wasn't completed. I was disappointed, but not heartbroken since there was no one file that really stood out to me as "ours". That is, until we were about a week from sending our dossier to our agency...
On Friday we got PA for our little guy and hope to be traveling to bring him home around August. We've gotten quite a few questions of how we got here, how we found him, and what we know about him, plus I want a record of how this adorable little boy came to be our son, so I suppose I better start at the beginning. I'll probably have to break this into parts since it's a bit long and convoluted.
We have truly been enjoying being a family of three and have had so much fun with Nora. We knew we wanted more children, but figured it would be a while until we were ready to have another one and we felt comfortable with that plan. We were planning on selling our house and getting settled in before starting any paperwork, but someone had different plans for us.
On November 4, 2012 we were sitting with our extended family at church while our newest nephew was blessed. Nora was sitting between us, and her cousin who is only a few months older than her decided to come share the chair with her. I looked at my little girl squished next to her cousin gabbering about crayons to each other and got a unexpected revelation. It was time to start paperwork for another adoption. I was not expecting this at all. I thought we would wait another 6 months at least before even discussing the possibility. Nora's adjustment has been tricky and she still doesn't like to let me out of her sight. How would she deal with another child vying for my attention? How would I handle being outnumbered while Kevin was at work? So many questions popped up. The only question that really mattered to me was how could I ignore this feeling? I couldn't and wouldn't try. It was time and I trusted (and still do) that this is how it should be. I turned to Kevin and said, "How would you feel about starting paperwork after we move?" (at the time, we were planning on listing at the beginning of the year). He was surprised, but said he felt good about it. For a few days I was sure this was the plan, but I kept getting a nagging feeling that while waiting to move was more convenient for us, it wasn't what we needed to do. We needed to get started right away. Soon after that we contacted our agency and social worker to get the process started.
In many ways it's been easier this time around. I knew what papers went where, who I needed to talk to about what, and where I could push and where I had to just deal with it. China allows families to re-use their dossiers, but only if they get approval for a specific child by the anniversary of your previous adoption. Since that was coming up in February it wasn't really a possibility. Sadly, we had to start from square one. New homestudy, new social worker (some changes had been made in requirements after we got Nora, so our social worker from that adoption wasn't able to do our homestudy), new fingerprints (because those change?). Lots of paperwork and mundane stuff that no one cares about. The good news is that we had our dossier ready in about 3 months vs. the 7 months it took last time. I kept pushing for it to get done faster because I kept feeling like it was a time-crunch to get done. Why? Well a little baby from Eagle's Wings was getting paperwork ready to be placed for adoption and, though it was a long shot, I knew there was a chance for us to be his family. We were about a month away from our paperwork being sent to China when he had his final physical prior to his file being sent to be placed. As it turns out, his heart defect had healed on it's own and he was getting such good care that he was no longer considered part of the special needs program. I was sad for about 3 seconds and then had to smile thinking of his family waiting 6 years for the file of a little girl from China and getting a phone call that it was actually a boy. Talk about surprises! Ultimately, I knew that our boy was out there and we needed the motivation to get our paperwork done quickly, but that this little guy was not ours.
Things seemed to be going (relatively) smoothly. Little did I know the drama that was coming.
If you recall from all the paperwork last time, one of the last things a couple needs to get done is an approval from US immigration to bring a child in as a citizen. Our dossier was complete, save for that paper, and we new it was a matter of days until we had it in hand. Our placing agency has a website where they post pictures and information of little kids who have not been matched with a family and I looked at it quite frequently to say the least. I saw so many adorable little boys who seemed to match our needs so well. Unfortunately we were not yet eligible to look over any files since our dossier wasn't completed. I was disappointed, but not heartbroken since there was no one file that really stood out to me as "ours". That is, until we were about a week from sending our dossier to our agency...
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Some Days
Our internet was screwy for a bit and I wasn't able to post this the other week when I wrote it, so let's try this again. Written 9/28:
Some days are hard, some days are fabulous, and most days lie between the two. Today was amazing.
In a country with over 1.3 billion people, two little children, a boy and a girl, grew up together in an amazing group foster home. They were both chosen from a bigger orphanage (a few hundred kids) to get excellent care with 6 other babies.
Yes, only 8 babies of hundreds were in this home. Others had preceded them and been matched with their forever families, and almost all of these 8 have now been taken home by their parents all over the world. A couple stayed in China, the rest are scattered across the states, mostly on the East Coast.
These two little ones spent over a year playing, fighting, and growing up together. They were separated 7 months ago when the little girl was placed in our arms. We were jealous of those families who lived close enough to drive a few hours to get the kids together, but figured that we could fly out and visit a few of Nora's old roomies occasionally. A month ago that all changed. The little boy's family came and brought him to his new home...which just happens to be about 10 miles from our home.
I'm not a math person. I don't know the actual odds of such a thing happening, but I'm thinking I should go buy my lottery ticket tomorrow. I can't even begin to fathom the likelihood of two little children from a province of over 94 million people ending up together, not once, but twice.
Today, Nora and John were able to play together once more. I'd like to say that there was an instant recognition and they fell right into playing, but they were very cautious and not really interested in each other for about the first half hour. Eventually they interacted with each other and had a fun time playing jumping games and eating dumplings. They rough-housed and tickled each other and I couldn't help wondering how many times they had played the same way.
It may not seem like such a big thing to other people, but these 7 little children are the closest thing Nora currently has to siblings. John was there for Nora's first steps, first words, and first birthday when we couldn't be. They've known each other for far longer than their parents have known them and I can't help but stand back in wonder at the miracle of today when such a large piece of my daughter's history has been returned to her.
Some days are hard, some days are fabulous, and most days lie between the two. Today was amazing.
In a country with over 1.3 billion people, two little children, a boy and a girl, grew up together in an amazing group foster home. They were both chosen from a bigger orphanage (a few hundred kids) to get excellent care with 6 other babies.
Yes, only 8 babies of hundreds were in this home. Others had preceded them and been matched with their forever families, and almost all of these 8 have now been taken home by their parents all over the world. A couple stayed in China, the rest are scattered across the states, mostly on the East Coast.
These two little ones spent over a year playing, fighting, and growing up together. They were separated 7 months ago when the little girl was placed in our arms. We were jealous of those families who lived close enough to drive a few hours to get the kids together, but figured that we could fly out and visit a few of Nora's old roomies occasionally. A month ago that all changed. The little boy's family came and brought him to his new home...which just happens to be about 10 miles from our home.
I'm not a math person. I don't know the actual odds of such a thing happening, but I'm thinking I should go buy my lottery ticket tomorrow. I can't even begin to fathom the likelihood of two little children from a province of over 94 million people ending up together, not once, but twice.
Today, Nora and John were able to play together once more. I'd like to say that there was an instant recognition and they fell right into playing, but they were very cautious and not really interested in each other for about the first half hour. Eventually they interacted with each other and had a fun time playing jumping games and eating dumplings. They rough-housed and tickled each other and I couldn't help wondering how many times they had played the same way.
It may not seem like such a big thing to other people, but these 7 little children are the closest thing Nora currently has to siblings. John was there for Nora's first steps, first words, and first birthday when we couldn't be. They've known each other for far longer than their parents have known them and I can't help but stand back in wonder at the miracle of today when such a large piece of my daughter's history has been returned to her.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Six Months: Onward and Upward
I always have to preface these with this declaration: you are now reading an
Six months! We've had Nora home for six months as of the 25th of August. It hardly seems real. Jen and I both admit to having these moments where we might be doing something else, then we'll see her playing for a moment and catch ourselves wondering when her parents are coming to pick her up.
Then the moments of sheer happiness when I pull into the driveway and she squeals "BABA!!" and Jen has to hold her tight so she doesn't dart over before I've stopped the car. We have video of that... I should get that on here. She jumps into my lap and helps me finish driving by yanking the wheel around and pushing any buttons she can find.
Here is what the time looks like: here she is on her 6-month referral anniversary, holding her referral picture that we saw for the very first time just over a year ago:
Our lives have changed more than I thought possible. Our little Eleanor is an extremely (and exhaustingly) energetic little girl, with a huge smile and a heart-melting giggle. She loves to play, loves her mom, and insists on helping around the house wherever she can (this is not necessarily a good thing; many dishes have met their end because she must help unload the dishwasher).
She talks... a lot. For some reason we still get people asking us if she's learning English, which is an interesting question because when we picked her up she didn't know Mandarin. Oh, I'm sure she knew the meaning of a few words that her aiyis used around her, but she is learning English incredibly fast. She picks up any word we say at an alarming rate, which means when I kick the rocking chair with my little toe at 2:00 a.m. while trying to get her back to sleep, a great number of words come to mind, but I must choose very carefully.
She also has picked up a love for books. She'll wake up somewhere between 5:45 and 6:30 a.m., and I usually take her downstairs so Jen can crash some more. I set Nora in front of her toys and attempt to go back to sleep on the couch, but she inevitably will climb up on the couch unassisted (where did she learn to do that?) get a book off the shelf, climb back down and gently set it in front of me, smiling with her big brown eyes and softly ask "Baba weedit?" and I positively melt. Of course I'll read Olivia ("piggy" book by name) or We're Going on a Bear Hunt for the fiftieth time this week.
All in all, Nora is adjusting extremely well and slipping easily into the role of life in America with awkward, bumbling lǎowà i parents. She knows the home routine and as long as we keep reminding her that Baba is coming back when he leaves for work, then she gets it and is happy. As long as Jen tells her that she's just going into the kitchen and not leaving forever, she's content to hang out on the couch, playing with her farm animal puzzle or taking in MuLan or Wall-E (that one was my doing).
That's not to say we haven't had our challenges, though. I can count on two hands the number of solid, complete nights of sleep we've had... teething has been rough on this one and she doesn't ever seem to be 100% comfortable in her crib, or she wakes up at night just enough to see Jen and that triggers a sleepy, but somehow violent climb up Mount Sleeping Mom, sometimes followed by a flop into the Valley of the Snoring Dad, whereupon I might wake abruptly by Silent Toddler Ninja Kick to the throat. I know at that point that if she stays asleep between Jen and I, eventually I'm getting bullied clean off the side of bed.
I guess I could sum it up with the fact that while she's adjusting very well into being our daughter, the road into being her parents has not always been so smooth. We still have so much to learn as we struggle to decode the tantrums, her occasional night-time panic attacks, and the seemingly unaware yanking of Jen's hair and not letting go. There are rights earned through the passage of parenthood for those who could be there for the first cry, the first coo, the first touch and each subsequent milestone. Heavenly Father has given us this adorable little goober, but at the cost of having to skip the benefit of that early parenthood instruction manual.
That feels like the over-arching metaphor for this whole ride that started back on February 13th: piloting through sometimes turbulent air, struggling through the highs and lows of figuring out this beautiful, giggly, at at times difficult little girl, writing our own handbook as we go.
-- Kevin
P.S. Since we haven't updated since April, here are some
Official Kevin Post.
You have been given fair warning.
Six months! We've had Nora home for six months as of the 25th of August. It hardly seems real. Jen and I both admit to having these moments where we might be doing something else, then we'll see her playing for a moment and catch ourselves wondering when her parents are coming to pick her up.
Then the moments of sheer happiness when I pull into the driveway and she squeals "BABA!!" and Jen has to hold her tight so she doesn't dart over before I've stopped the car. We have video of that... I should get that on here. She jumps into my lap and helps me finish driving by yanking the wheel around and pushing any buttons she can find.
Here is what the time looks like: here she is on her 6-month referral anniversary, holding her referral picture that we saw for the very first time just over a year ago:
Our lives have changed more than I thought possible. Our little Eleanor is an extremely (and exhaustingly) energetic little girl, with a huge smile and a heart-melting giggle. She loves to play, loves her mom, and insists on helping around the house wherever she can (this is not necessarily a good thing; many dishes have met their end because she must help unload the dishwasher).
She talks... a lot. For some reason we still get people asking us if she's learning English, which is an interesting question because when we picked her up she didn't know Mandarin. Oh, I'm sure she knew the meaning of a few words that her aiyis used around her, but she is learning English incredibly fast. She picks up any word we say at an alarming rate, which means when I kick the rocking chair with my little toe at 2:00 a.m. while trying to get her back to sleep, a great number of words come to mind, but I must choose very carefully.
She also has picked up a love for books. She'll wake up somewhere between 5:45 and 6:30 a.m., and I usually take her downstairs so Jen can crash some more. I set Nora in front of her toys and attempt to go back to sleep on the couch, but she inevitably will climb up on the couch unassisted (where did she learn to do that?) get a book off the shelf, climb back down and gently set it in front of me, smiling with her big brown eyes and softly ask "Baba weedit?" and I positively melt. Of course I'll read Olivia ("piggy" book by name) or We're Going on a Bear Hunt for the fiftieth time this week.
All in all, Nora is adjusting extremely well and slipping easily into the role of life in America with awkward, bumbling lǎowà i parents. She knows the home routine and as long as we keep reminding her that Baba is coming back when he leaves for work, then she gets it and is happy. As long as Jen tells her that she's just going into the kitchen and not leaving forever, she's content to hang out on the couch, playing with her farm animal puzzle or taking in MuLan or Wall-E (that one was my doing).
That's not to say we haven't had our challenges, though. I can count on two hands the number of solid, complete nights of sleep we've had... teething has been rough on this one and she doesn't ever seem to be 100% comfortable in her crib, or she wakes up at night just enough to see Jen and that triggers a sleepy, but somehow violent climb up Mount Sleeping Mom, sometimes followed by a flop into the Valley of the Snoring Dad, whereupon I might wake abruptly by Silent Toddler Ninja Kick to the throat. I know at that point that if she stays asleep between Jen and I, eventually I'm getting bullied clean off the side of bed.
I guess I could sum it up with the fact that while she's adjusting very well into being our daughter, the road into being her parents has not always been so smooth. We still have so much to learn as we struggle to decode the tantrums, her occasional night-time panic attacks, and the seemingly unaware yanking of Jen's hair and not letting go. There are rights earned through the passage of parenthood for those who could be there for the first cry, the first coo, the first touch and each subsequent milestone. Heavenly Father has given us this adorable little goober, but at the cost of having to skip the benefit of that early parenthood instruction manual.
That feels like the over-arching metaphor for this whole ride that started back on February 13th: piloting through sometimes turbulent air, struggling through the highs and lows of figuring out this beautiful, giggly, at at times difficult little girl, writing our own handbook as we go.
-- Kevin
P.S. Since we haven't updated since April, here are some
Random Scenes Since Then:
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| Shortly after the sealing, we went to Temple Square in Salt Lake City to have some pictures taken among the beautiful gardens there. |
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| Nora (featuring lovely morning hair) decides to do the feeding for once. |
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| My grandparents own a home at Bear Lake in Northern Utah, and it's one of my favorite places on earth. We try to go as often as we can during the year. This marks Nora's first trip, and first time in a lake. |
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| Nora loves animals and annoys our dogs to no end with her hugs, and loves to pet horses and quack loudly at any ducks she happens to fine. |
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Forever Family
As most people reading this blog will already know, we are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (aka The Mormons). Part of our belief system is that families can be joined together for, not just this life, but the whole of eternity. This joining is called "sealing" and is one of the things done in our temples. Yesterday, three years to the day after finding out we were supposed to adopt a little girl from China, we were sealed as a family.
We love this little daughter of ours so very much! Thank you for letting us be your mama and baba, sweet girl.
Everyone was gushing about how cute she looked
We love this little daughter of ours so very much! Thank you for letting us be your mama and baba, sweet girl.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
One more thing
There have been many times I have been so glad we learned any Mandarin, like the time when Nora stood at the top of the stairs and I could say "sit down!" faster than I could get to her, or the time I made her laugh by calling her "little naughty". Today I have never been happier to be able to communicate, however little, with our daughter.
It wasn't until a few days ago that she learned that nodding meant yes (hence the previous nodding at doctors because it was fun). She is very happy to let us know she doesn't like something or doesn't agree. I was playing on the floor with her and she was being very cute, so I scooped her up and (in Mandarin) told her I loved her and that she was such a good baby. She laughed and I gave her a big kiss and hugs. Then I asked her if she loved mama. She smiled big, nodded, and hugged me.
Is it all worth it? Absolutely.
It wasn't until a few days ago that she learned that nodding meant yes (hence the previous nodding at doctors because it was fun). She is very happy to let us know she doesn't like something or doesn't agree. I was playing on the floor with her and she was being very cute, so I scooped her up and (in Mandarin) told her I loved her and that she was such a good baby. She laughed and I gave her a big kiss and hugs. Then I asked her if she loved mama. She smiled big, nodded, and hugged me.
Is it all worth it? Absolutely.
One month home: all about Nora
We are settling into a routine and finally getting a bit of a clue as to being parents. Sleep is still an issue, but the last two nights she has woken up at around 2:30 for a diaper change and again at 5 wanting to be held and rocked for a while. Considering where we were a couple weeks ago, I will gladly take it! Since she refused to sleep in her crib and our bed is a queen, we decided to try modifying our crib by removing the front, strapping it to the side of the bed and raising the mattress to be where ours is. Sidecar crib is a huge success since it allows her to have her kicky legs without them ending up in one of our necks/sides/backs/stomachs/faces and still makes for a quick soothing when she needs it.
There are many things I want to remember about this first month home and about our silly, sweet, naughty little girl. So in no particular order, here are the things that make me smile.
-Her first English word that she learned here is "doggy", which for a week sounded like "daddy" which made some people a bit confused.
-She can spot a dog on the street, in a picture, or on the tv from a far distance. I find myself saying, "No, there's no d-- oh wait, you're right, there is one."
-Her first word each morning is usually a whispered "doggy?" wondering where our dogs are.
-She has a cute kiss game that she made up where she likes to point to where she wants to kiss you and wait for you to say ok.
-She is still as active as ever, with the addition of climbing. She is freakishly strong and can pull herself up onto just about everything.
-When she is trying to stay awake she gets very giggley and will do some yoga. Her preferred stance is an extreme "downward dog" where she will have her legs extended, bend forward, and put her head on the ground. She's a bendy one.
-She still calls Kevin "baba" and we don't really intend to change this anytime soon. It's pretty adorable, especially when he comes home from work and she walks to the stairs and starts shouting "BABA! BABA!"
-She loves her daddy, but mama is still who she wants late at night or when she isn't feeling well.
-She is a huge charmer. She will wave, smile and blow kisses at just about everyone.
-She appears to be a girlie girl. Each day she has to pick out a "pretty" for her hair, leans forward for me to put it in and then immediately must be taken to the mirror to see that she looks good. If she approves, she will kiss the pretty baby. Our mirrors are gross now.
-She also loves shoes. When we go in a store, few aisles are met with more reaching and wanting as the shoe aisle. Since I have like 4 pairs of shoes total, she can't have gotten this from me.
- Her hair is growing in and getting long in the back, but in kind of a rat-tail sort of fashion. It is cute and ridiculous at the same time.
- After singing itsy bitsy spider for her exactly one time with the hand motions, the next day she started putting her fingers together and asking for "ge" (song).
-She learned the sign for "more" in about 5 minutes, and when asked if she wants more, will make the sign while nodding and smiling very big, unless she doesn't want more, in which case she will smack whatever it is out of you hand.
-The only ones that get kisses with absolutely no hesitancy and only one request are the dogs.
- About two weeks ago while sitting on the ground with her, she gave me my first ever unsolicited hug. It was amazing.
- She is understanding quite a bit of English and responds to XiaoNora as readily as YinCi.
-She is a tough little nut who doesn't cry easily when she gets hurt, and recovers very quickly.
-Her favorite toy in the whole world is a ball. Any size, any kind. She will run around the house carrying one and saying "ba" over and over.
-She will also kick the ball and out of nowhere started making a "kuh" sound each time she kicked it.
- Words she says: mama (only rarely, little stinker), baba (daddy), mao (cat), doggy, ball, done, byebye, ge (song), gege (brother)
-She loves baths like crazy! Each night when the water is running she fussing at me for not getting her undressed and in the tub fast enough.
- She started playing Peek-A-Boo the other day. I have no idea who taught it to her, but she loves it.
-She is ticklish on her tummy, neck, and feet and will give a loud gurgley laugh each time we find the tickle spot.
- After giving a kiss she will kick her legs and breath all silly.
- She thinks tooth brushes are super cool, but doesn't quite get the "brushing" part.
- She, much like a cat, needs to cram herself into boxes that are too small for her, then act surprised when she falls out of them.
- She will put her head down and glare at you, but this actually means she wants to bonk foreheads with you, not that she thinks your opinions are without merit.
- She humors you by nodding to what you say. This was especially funny at her appointment with the cl/cp team where she nodded away as the doctor explained to me her prognosis over the next few years (which is pretty much nothing until she is 5-6).
- She loves having her toes counted, especially in Mandarin and will count along with you (though it sounds more like "ah, ee, ay"). Cuter still, she will go up to Tikka and begin counting doggy toes.
I'm sure there is more, but that's all I can think of right now. It hasn't been a perfect month and there have been lots of highs and lows, but we are slowly coming to understand each other and realize that this might turn out ok in the end.
We also had our 1 month visit with our social worker, who said that it seems like the attachment is progressing well and that we are doing the right things regarding her sleeping and the no holding rule. Based on her behaviors, she is not ready to be held by others just yet, but probably in a month or two.
For those who wonder, she did great at the doctor's and they feel that her repair is great, her speech is progressing fine, and she will only really need to come in for a bone graft surgery at 5-6 to repair her gum line. 5 separate doctors and specialists have now told me that we "couldn't ask for a better case scenario than this girl." We are extremely blessed, is all I can say. She is such a perfect addition to our family and is such a joy to be around. Of course, she is down for her nap right now, so I am a bit biased. Ask me again when she's up and throwing her shoes over the side of the stairs.
There are many things I want to remember about this first month home and about our silly, sweet, naughty little girl. So in no particular order, here are the things that make me smile.
I showed Nora the diaper I finished, she immediately put it on her head
-Nora knew "byebye" from the Ayis, but didn't use it much until about week two. Then she learned it meant adventures or that Daddy was leaving, but would be back. Each morning after breakfast she will grab a pair of shoes, bring them to me and start saying "byebye."-Her first English word that she learned here is "doggy", which for a week sounded like "daddy" which made some people a bit confused.
-She can spot a dog on the street, in a picture, or on the tv from a far distance. I find myself saying, "No, there's no d-- oh wait, you're right, there is one."
-Her first word each morning is usually a whispered "doggy?" wondering where our dogs are.
-She has a cute kiss game that she made up where she likes to point to where she wants to kiss you and wait for you to say ok.
-She is still as active as ever, with the addition of climbing. She is freakishly strong and can pull herself up onto just about everything.
-When she is trying to stay awake she gets very giggley and will do some yoga. Her preferred stance is an extreme "downward dog" where she will have her legs extended, bend forward, and put her head on the ground. She's a bendy one.
-She still calls Kevin "baba" and we don't really intend to change this anytime soon. It's pretty adorable, especially when he comes home from work and she walks to the stairs and starts shouting "BABA! BABA!"
-She loves her daddy, but mama is still who she wants late at night or when she isn't feeling well.
-She is a huge charmer. She will wave, smile and blow kisses at just about everyone.
-She appears to be a girlie girl. Each day she has to pick out a "pretty" for her hair, leans forward for me to put it in and then immediately must be taken to the mirror to see that she looks good. If she approves, she will kiss the pretty baby. Our mirrors are gross now.
-She also loves shoes. When we go in a store, few aisles are met with more reaching and wanting as the shoe aisle. Since I have like 4 pairs of shoes total, she can't have gotten this from me.
- Her hair is growing in and getting long in the back, but in kind of a rat-tail sort of fashion. It is cute and ridiculous at the same time.
- After singing itsy bitsy spider for her exactly one time with the hand motions, the next day she started putting her fingers together and asking for "ge" (song).
-She learned the sign for "more" in about 5 minutes, and when asked if she wants more, will make the sign while nodding and smiling very big, unless she doesn't want more, in which case she will smack whatever it is out of you hand.
-The only ones that get kisses with absolutely no hesitancy and only one request are the dogs.
- About two weeks ago while sitting on the ground with her, she gave me my first ever unsolicited hug. It was amazing.
- She is understanding quite a bit of English and responds to XiaoNora as readily as YinCi.
-She is a tough little nut who doesn't cry easily when she gets hurt, and recovers very quickly.
-Her favorite toy in the whole world is a ball. Any size, any kind. She will run around the house carrying one and saying "ba" over and over.
-She will also kick the ball and out of nowhere started making a "kuh" sound each time she kicked it.
- Words she says: mama (only rarely, little stinker), baba (daddy), mao (cat), doggy, ball, done, byebye, ge (song), gege (brother)
-She loves baths like crazy! Each night when the water is running she fussing at me for not getting her undressed and in the tub fast enough.
- She started playing Peek-A-Boo the other day. I have no idea who taught it to her, but she loves it.
-She is ticklish on her tummy, neck, and feet and will give a loud gurgley laugh each time we find the tickle spot.
- After giving a kiss she will kick her legs and breath all silly.
- She thinks tooth brushes are super cool, but doesn't quite get the "brushing" part.
- She, much like a cat, needs to cram herself into boxes that are too small for her, then act surprised when she falls out of them.
How she chose to watch her show the other day
- She loves dancing, which consists of taking her hands as she flails her head back and forth and shifts her weight from foot to foot. I will try to get video of her dance parties.- She will put her head down and glare at you, but this actually means she wants to bonk foreheads with you, not that she thinks your opinions are without merit.
- She humors you by nodding to what you say. This was especially funny at her appointment with the cl/cp team where she nodded away as the doctor explained to me her prognosis over the next few years (which is pretty much nothing until she is 5-6).
- She loves having her toes counted, especially in Mandarin and will count along with you (though it sounds more like "ah, ee, ay"). Cuter still, she will go up to Tikka and begin counting doggy toes.
I'm sure there is more, but that's all I can think of right now. It hasn't been a perfect month and there have been lots of highs and lows, but we are slowly coming to understand each other and realize that this might turn out ok in the end.
We also had our 1 month visit with our social worker, who said that it seems like the attachment is progressing well and that we are doing the right things regarding her sleeping and the no holding rule. Based on her behaviors, she is not ready to be held by others just yet, but probably in a month or two.
For those who wonder, she did great at the doctor's and they feel that her repair is great, her speech is progressing fine, and she will only really need to come in for a bone graft surgery at 5-6 to repair her gum line. 5 separate doctors and specialists have now told me that we "couldn't ask for a better case scenario than this girl." We are extremely blessed, is all I can say. She is such a perfect addition to our family and is such a joy to be around. Of course, she is down for her nap right now, so I am a bit biased. Ask me again when she's up and throwing her shoes over the side of the stairs.
Sleeping babies are the best babies.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Video!
I promised that I'd get some video on here, and so here you go!
As I type this, we've had our little Nora for a month now and looking back on the day we got her makes my heart jump just a tiny bit in the same way it did when the ayi walked into the room with her. Here is the video that was shot on the adoption day itself. We'd love to share this moment with you.
Many thanks to Lisa Duke who grabbed our camcorder to film this.
As I type this, we've had our little Nora for a month now and looking back on the day we got her makes my heart jump just a tiny bit in the same way it did when the ayi walked into the room with her. Here is the video that was shot on the adoption day itself. We'd love to share this moment with you.
Many thanks to Lisa Duke who grabbed our camcorder to film this.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Finally, an update!
SO many things to talk about, so little mental capacity to remember what they all are.
Today is our 6th anniversary. It's strange to think it's been six years. Sometimes it seems like we've been together for longer, other times it seems like just yesterday.
Last night was the first night I didn't wake up coughing in nearly a month! Thank goodness I am finally feeling healthy again! Thanks for all the prayers on my behalf, they were very needed.
We have now been a family of three for nearly 4 weeks. 4 weeks seems like a long time and it doesn't feel like we've had Nora for a long time. On the one hand, she still doesn't understand most of what we say unless it's in Mandarin. She still fights sleep every time it comes. We've been working on a routine and that seems to be helping. At the same time she has come so very far in just 4 weeks. She went from quietly clinging to me while avoiding eye contact and being afraid of Kevin to an easy smile, gurgley laugh, and shrieks of "Baba! Baba!" when Kevin gets home from work. She really is an amazing little girl.
She is learning English bit by bit. Her first English word was "bye bye" which we were told the Ayis had been teaching her before we came. Once home, she almost instantly started saying "doggie" which sounds more like doddy. The dogs have been great with her and she took all of about 3 hours to warm up to them. She still gets scared when they have a barking fit, but otherwise she will walk around giving soft pets and occasionally point out their noses (the nose and ear game was one she played long before we got to China).
She is not a picky eater and will stuff down a hard boiled egg in four bites, max. The only thing she has actually spit out was ice cream. I think it's the cold since she generally likes sweet things. She still prefers warm/hot water but will take room temp when she must. Noodles are superior to rice and she will kick her legs in excitement when she sees edamame coming her way. She is amazing at imitating sounds and tone, so we may have a little musician on our hands. She will only play with one thing at a time and if you hand her something new she will quickly decide whether to keep the old toy or trade up. If you have something she wants, she will bring things to trade for them. She is also smart enough to realize that trading a bouncy ball for an Ipod is a rip off. She has very strong ideas about how things are to be done and will shut any open door she walks past. I had to teach her how to safely go down stairs since she had never been around them and would try to walk down them like we did.
She doesn't really "get" tv yet, but that won't take much longer. I did have a little giggle while we sat on the couch together eating cheese nips and watching MST3K (Puma Man, for those who care. It's a good introductory episode, I find). Mostly she prefers to be out and about, though we are still nowhere near being ok with the car seat. Each morning after breakfast she will grab her shoes and start saying "bye bye". Mean mom that I am, I make her wait until we are both dressed before we go on adventures. She is adorable, and cute, and we are slowly getting better at communicating with each other
Now for the nitty gritty since we don't like to sugar coat things. It's easy to look at a few pictures and think that everything is rainbows and unicorns. We get lots of comments on how she is fitting right in and adjusting well and clearly loves us. I don't know if I would use the "L" word yet. I think she is ok with us and figures that since she has spent the last 4 weeks training us on the proper care and nurturing of a Nora, she should stick with us. That said, she still throws wicked tantrums and nights are still very tricky. She goes to bed easily each night, but wakes up several times, often refusing to sleep anywhere else than on top of me, or while being walked around the room, sometimes refusing flat-out to sleep. It's pretty exhausting.
I mentioned in a previous post about how we can't let other people hold her yet. Since we've had questions about it, I will try to explain. Currently, Nora will happily go to whoever puts their arms out to her. We were advised by other adoptive parents, social workers, and our agency that in order to teach her what it means to have parents we must be the only ones to hold, feed, and change her. Some agencies make you sign an agreement, though ours did not. The thing is, Nora has no real concept of what parents are. She went into the orphanage extremely underweight and in need of food and attention. The children learn that if they are cute and charming they are likely to get a bit more food or a bit more care from the Ayis. It's strictly about survival at that point. Other children have other survival methods, but it's pretty obvious that this was Nora's method. Especially in the bigger orphanages, there are so many children and so little staff that the most they can do is feed the kids and change their diapers occasionally. When they cry at night there is no one to comfort them, so they learn not to waste their strength on crying. They learn that the only person they can depend on is themselves and caretakers, while needed, won't stick around.
I had read about children who would start rejecting their parents once they were allowed to be held by other people. I had heard that the kids took it as a signal that they were on their own again and were in charge of picking their new caretaker. It's a totally different story seeing it happen with your own child. In China, Nora started lifting her hands up to be held by the two 12 year old girls in our group. After she had been held by them for only a few minutes, she would refuse to be held by me and her sleep would be sporadic and plagued by night terrors. It was intense. Since then, we've been very strict about the no-holding rule.
It's hard on our families and friends to not be able to hold her. It's hard on us to not be able to hand her off for a few minutes, but it's for the best. It's not that we are trying to instill in her a fear of others, or trying to hoard her affections. We are simply trying to teach her that there are levels of affection and that there is a difference between parents, family, friends, and strangers. It is only temporary and it will allow her to form stronger bonds with people eventually, but man it sucks trying to explain to people that there is a reason behind this and it's not some arbitrary thing that Kevin and I decided would be a laugh to try out.
Anyway, things are generally improving. Nora is generally happy and we are slowly finding our new normal. Tomorrow she has her evaluation with our CL/CP team, so hopefully we will have good things to report. Also, I will do a full list of things we miss/don't miss about China, but oh man am I craving a chocolate steam bun! Someone go to the 7-11 there for me and eat one (Shelah, I am looking at you).
Today is our 6th anniversary. It's strange to think it's been six years. Sometimes it seems like we've been together for longer, other times it seems like just yesterday.
Last night was the first night I didn't wake up coughing in nearly a month! Thank goodness I am finally feeling healthy again! Thanks for all the prayers on my behalf, they were very needed.
We have now been a family of three for nearly 4 weeks. 4 weeks seems like a long time and it doesn't feel like we've had Nora for a long time. On the one hand, she still doesn't understand most of what we say unless it's in Mandarin. She still fights sleep every time it comes. We've been working on a routine and that seems to be helping. At the same time she has come so very far in just 4 weeks. She went from quietly clinging to me while avoiding eye contact and being afraid of Kevin to an easy smile, gurgley laugh, and shrieks of "Baba! Baba!" when Kevin gets home from work. She really is an amazing little girl.
She is learning English bit by bit. Her first English word was "bye bye" which we were told the Ayis had been teaching her before we came. Once home, she almost instantly started saying "doggie" which sounds more like doddy. The dogs have been great with her and she took all of about 3 hours to warm up to them. She still gets scared when they have a barking fit, but otherwise she will walk around giving soft pets and occasionally point out their noses (the nose and ear game was one she played long before we got to China).
She doesn't really "get" tv yet, but that won't take much longer. I did have a little giggle while we sat on the couch together eating cheese nips and watching MST3K (Puma Man, for those who care. It's a good introductory episode, I find). Mostly she prefers to be out and about, though we are still nowhere near being ok with the car seat. Each morning after breakfast she will grab her shoes and start saying "bye bye". Mean mom that I am, I make her wait until we are both dressed before we go on adventures. She is adorable, and cute, and we are slowly getting better at communicating with each other
Now for the nitty gritty since we don't like to sugar coat things. It's easy to look at a few pictures and think that everything is rainbows and unicorns. We get lots of comments on how she is fitting right in and adjusting well and clearly loves us. I don't know if I would use the "L" word yet. I think she is ok with us and figures that since she has spent the last 4 weeks training us on the proper care and nurturing of a Nora, she should stick with us. That said, she still throws wicked tantrums and nights are still very tricky. She goes to bed easily each night, but wakes up several times, often refusing to sleep anywhere else than on top of me, or while being walked around the room, sometimes refusing flat-out to sleep. It's pretty exhausting.
I mentioned in a previous post about how we can't let other people hold her yet. Since we've had questions about it, I will try to explain. Currently, Nora will happily go to whoever puts their arms out to her. We were advised by other adoptive parents, social workers, and our agency that in order to teach her what it means to have parents we must be the only ones to hold, feed, and change her. Some agencies make you sign an agreement, though ours did not. The thing is, Nora has no real concept of what parents are. She went into the orphanage extremely underweight and in need of food and attention. The children learn that if they are cute and charming they are likely to get a bit more food or a bit more care from the Ayis. It's strictly about survival at that point. Other children have other survival methods, but it's pretty obvious that this was Nora's method. Especially in the bigger orphanages, there are so many children and so little staff that the most they can do is feed the kids and change their diapers occasionally. When they cry at night there is no one to comfort them, so they learn not to waste their strength on crying. They learn that the only person they can depend on is themselves and caretakers, while needed, won't stick around.
I had read about children who would start rejecting their parents once they were allowed to be held by other people. I had heard that the kids took it as a signal that they were on their own again and were in charge of picking their new caretaker. It's a totally different story seeing it happen with your own child. In China, Nora started lifting her hands up to be held by the two 12 year old girls in our group. After she had been held by them for only a few minutes, she would refuse to be held by me and her sleep would be sporadic and plagued by night terrors. It was intense. Since then, we've been very strict about the no-holding rule.
It's hard on our families and friends to not be able to hold her. It's hard on us to not be able to hand her off for a few minutes, but it's for the best. It's not that we are trying to instill in her a fear of others, or trying to hoard her affections. We are simply trying to teach her that there are levels of affection and that there is a difference between parents, family, friends, and strangers. It is only temporary and it will allow her to form stronger bonds with people eventually, but man it sucks trying to explain to people that there is a reason behind this and it's not some arbitrary thing that Kevin and I decided would be a laugh to try out.
Anyway, things are generally improving. Nora is generally happy and we are slowly finding our new normal. Tomorrow she has her evaluation with our CL/CP team, so hopefully we will have good things to report. Also, I will do a full list of things we miss/don't miss about China, but oh man am I craving a chocolate steam bun! Someone go to the 7-11 there for me and eat one (Shelah, I am looking at you).
Monday, March 5, 2012
Three weeks
We are not dead, just dealing with attachment issues, sleep deprivation and trying to establish a new normal. I promise a real post and maybe even some video, but for now enjoy this cute picture of our cute little girl. Love her so much :)
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
T +3 Days... So Far, (Mostly) So Good
It's so weird to be home, like there was so much work, toil, tears, preparation, paperwork and more and then BAM WE'RE IN CHINA and now there's this little girl sleeping in my room and I can't get the little ABC theme song that her toy phone plays out of my head.
Home is a wonderful thing. As Jen described, I would be more than happy living in a cardboard box full of eels after that plane ride from Hong Kong. Nobody should be in a plane for that long, much less the tired and emotionally frayed parents of a toddler who has only just decided to like them. I spent most of the flight holding her and standing back in the galley where the flight attendants prepare your drink carts and the line forms for the bathrooms.
But we're home! Bags are mostly unpacked, life is mostly normal, though I have a creeping suspicion that the definition of normal has changed somewhat.
I like to think that the violent roller coaster that was getting Nora, adjusting, bonding, then travel kind of made me skip my "holy crap I'm becoming a Dad" mindset and go straight to this morning where I got her out of bed, gave her her favorite breakfast (sweet corn meal and bananas) and played with blocks before realizing what just happened. I feel like I'm slipping into the Daddy role pretty well, due to the fact that Jen has been extremely sick and can't do much for Nora as she is, and the fact that Nora is actually pretty independent most of the time.
So yeah, Jen brought home what the doctor thinks is either bronchitis or some kind of walking pneumonia. As of right now, this is the longest I've heard her sleep with out violent coughing fits.
We miss our travel group a lot, we miss China a lot, but it's nice to have family over to meet our fantastic little girl, though it breaks our hearts to have to tell everyone not to hold her just yet so we can continue to work on bonding and attachment, which seem to be going pretty well so far. Some family has a harder time with it, but we try to explain about how a child who has lost a primary caregiver can have serious issues with bonding with a new one. She needs to know that we are the mom and the dad.
I'm back to work on Thursday, and I hope Jen is feeling much better by then (we're both pretty well adjusted to the time difference now), but I'm going to miss being able to come hang out with the baobao all day.
Home is a wonderful thing. As Jen described, I would be more than happy living in a cardboard box full of eels after that plane ride from Hong Kong. Nobody should be in a plane for that long, much less the tired and emotionally frayed parents of a toddler who has only just decided to like them. I spent most of the flight holding her and standing back in the galley where the flight attendants prepare your drink carts and the line forms for the bathrooms.
But we're home! Bags are mostly unpacked, life is mostly normal, though I have a creeping suspicion that the definition of normal has changed somewhat.
I like to think that the violent roller coaster that was getting Nora, adjusting, bonding, then travel kind of made me skip my "holy crap I'm becoming a Dad" mindset and go straight to this morning where I got her out of bed, gave her her favorite breakfast (sweet corn meal and bananas) and played with blocks before realizing what just happened. I feel like I'm slipping into the Daddy role pretty well, due to the fact that Jen has been extremely sick and can't do much for Nora as she is, and the fact that Nora is actually pretty independent most of the time.
So yeah, Jen brought home what the doctor thinks is either bronchitis or some kind of walking pneumonia. As of right now, this is the longest I've heard her sleep with out violent coughing fits.
We miss our travel group a lot, we miss China a lot, but it's nice to have family over to meet our fantastic little girl, though it breaks our hearts to have to tell everyone not to hold her just yet so we can continue to work on bonding and attachment, which seem to be going pretty well so far. Some family has a harder time with it, but we try to explain about how a child who has lost a primary caregiver can have serious issues with bonding with a new one. She needs to know that we are the mom and the dad.
I'm back to work on Thursday, and I hope Jen is feeling much better by then (we're both pretty well adjusted to the time difference now), but I'm going to miss being able to come hang out with the baobao all day.
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