Further Down the Rabbit Hole

We are not very good bloggers.

Here's a story about our latest adoption paperwork adventures:

There's a packet of papers we had to fill out for the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS). Jen is so on top of all this that I just had to show up and sign my name across the bottom of about eleventy billion sheets of paper (not true, there were only threeve billion). This is an actual preliminary immigration application for our daughter. Yes, immigration! This is all according to a big giant international agreement on international adoption.

In case you didn't know (and I think this is really cool), our daughter will be an American citizen by the time we board the plane for home, with a passport and everything. She can't sign her name, being a toddler and all, so they will stick her tiny foot on an ink pad and make a tiny footprint on the inside of the passport somewhere, which sounds so ridiculously friggin' cute I'm going to puke up pastel baby chicks all over.

So here's the meat of the story: our application came back, with a sheet in the front stating that it had been rejected.

This is where panic sets in. We start freaking out that there was some deficiency found in our character, some moral failing that was found, someone from our past was spoken to and they squealed about everything we'd done. We would never, ever adopt. Eventually we read the rest of the sheet that explained the reason and we smacked our foreheads in unison:

A page was missing.

A blank page. As in a page that is not even filled in.



For legal reasons, if someone else had assisted us in preparing the paperwork, they are supposed to leave their contact information on this sheet. Jen filled everything out, so this sheet wasn't included. Well, paperwork and official forms being what they are, we printed out a page, didn't fill anything in, then sent the entire stack right back to USCIS.

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On a happier note: we finished our parent training! Lots to discuss. For example, did you know that China is an entirely different country? With its own culture and everything? Apparently some prospective parents did not know this.

More later.

- Kevin

Trudging through the paperwork

I realized it has been a while since we updated our blog and figured that sounded more fun than sewing. It seems that when we fail to do so for a week or two, people start asking us again what's new with the adoption.

We finished our homestudy 2 weeks ago, but our social worker went on vacation before she could make the necessary changes to it for it to be approved by our agency. She gets back today, so we will likely get the approved copies by the end of the week. We get three notarized originals of our homestudy. One goes to USCIS for approval to bring a foreign-born child into the country, one goes in our dossier, and one comes with us when we make the trip to China. Also, with our homestudy we will be able to apply for some grants.

So what is the USCIS thing? The paperwork that goes to the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services is called an I800. It consists of some paperwork we fill out and our homestudy. The lockbox (place where it gets mailed to) in Texas processes the paperwork and you get an appointment for a fingerprint check. Then a couple days later you get approval from them. The whole process is averaging about 60 days, so the sooner we get it taken care of, the better. The I800 then goes in with our dossier that will be sent off in June. There are a couple letters we have to write, and we'll have to go through the paper sealing process, but then our dossier will be done! It's strange to realize that we are mostly through it. There's still more to be done, but we are no longer just at the start of it anymore.

In addition to the paperwork, we are doing our 10 hours of parent training. Last night's lesson and test was on grieving. It's not something that many people know outside of the adoption community, but there is a decent grieving period that the children go through (and the parents and birth parents, obviously). While life in an orphanage or foster care isn't the ideal to most of us, it's the only life these children have known. Chinese adoption has the added difficulty of no knowledge about the birth parents, removal from the birth country, and loss of language and culture. They adjust fairly quickly, but the first few days are almost universally filled with inconsolable crying, shutting down, and fear. There are also issues that pop up throughout the life of the child. Our little girl will never know how her birth parents met, how many siblings she has, or why she had to be given to the orphanage. Adoptive children often struggle with feeling like they were chosen, not born, and never fit in anywhere. It's something we've talked about a great deal and feel relatively prepared to deal with, but it's difficult all the same.

Because of the institutionalized care the children receive, they are often a bit behind physically and developmentally. Typically one month for every three months in the orphanage. They catch up quickly, given the one-on-one time. Also, there are issues of bonding. Children in orphanages are cared for as best as they can be, but with the number of caregivers to children being so unequal, they really only get so much interaction per day. As such, they often have a hard time with the concept of primary caregivers. It is hugely important for them to get one-on-one time with mom and dad and be given time to learn that they are the primary caregivers. With that being the case, Kevin and I will be the only ones to feed, bathe, and change her for at least a couple weeks. We'll also need to give her some good structure and routine, without too much extra stimulus for a while. So welcome home parties are a no-go for a while. In fact, we're even going to have to be careful about going outside the house for a bit. I'm probably making it sound a bit strange, but we're just trying to do what is best for our little girl. There is always the chance that she will bond quickly and we can speed the other stuff along. Basically, don't be upset if we don't come over and visit right after we get home from China, is all I'm saying.

Things otherwise have been pretty normal. Bridal season is picking up, Kevin has some side jobs he is working on, and we are going on a road trip to CA next month. All in all, life continues on and we continue making small steps toward China. Not too much longer, now.

Oh, if any of you have Netflix and are looking for some good Chinese movies, we'll post recommendations as we watch them. Here's what we've seen so far:

Lost Daughters of China- a documentary from National Geographic. Should be required viewing. Not only does it show a travel group, but they go into the boys vs. girls issues in China as well as some of the problems that are coming from the one child policy.

Not One Less- Story of a girl who teaches at a rural school while the headmaster is away.

The Road Home- Stars Zhang Ziyi (crouching tiger, hero, every other Chinese movie you've seen that didn't star Gong Li). Girl falls in love with the new school teacher. Story of their courtship.

I should say this. Chinese movies have different pacing than Western films. Crouching Tiger, Hero, all those movies have been Westernized a bunch. Don't expect fast-paced drama from the others. It seems to me like most Chinese films that aren't martial arts movies have a slower pace, are more about mood, and lend themselves to discussion afterward. I look at it similarly to how I look at the language. In English you have so many words and variations on words. In Chinese, there is no conjugating of verbs, and much of a sentences meaning is inferred. You don't say, "Would you care for a drink of something refreshing?" You say "You want drink?" or just "want drink?" Where we might consider it to sound rude and abrupt, many Chinese feel that adding extra words is unnecessary and rude as it adds distance between people. I'm probably not explaining it well, but I'll just say that the more I study the language, the more feel I understand the culture, entertainment, and people. It's just a different mindset, neither better nor worse.

Valentine's & Test Results

I realize it's been a bit since we've posted anything, so I will update with what little has been happening.

Last week Kevin and I had to get physicals. Part of these physicals involve a full blood count and an AIDS test. It's a strange thing taking a test that you absolutely know will be negative. You'd think I would be used to is after so many pregnancy tests, but it's a totally different story. There are still occasions when I have to have a pregnancy test at the doctor's office. I had to have one before my surgery, and even though I knew it would be negative, there is still this little spark of a maybe that happens. It's probably inevitable. Don't get me wrong, I am not hoping for a positive result. We long ago shut that door. It's just a strange thing to be tested for something and know that there is absolutely no chance of it being positive. I'm not making light of the severity of such a test for many people. I know it's a high stress situation and that not everyone gets the results they are hoping for. It's just nice that in a process that involves so much uncertainty and so much stress, there is one little thread I can hang onto and know that there is nothing to worry about.

Anyone who knows me well knows that there is one thing to stress about when it comes to the physical. You see, I don't do so well with blood draws. It's psychological and irrational, but I pass out just about every time. I've tried a number of tricks to help and while they help to varying degrees, I don't think I will ever be in a position to donate blood. I'm pretty sure the position one needs to be in to accomplish such a thing is in a chair and not laying on the floor, covered in cold sweat, looking even more pale than usual (yes, it is possible).

When it became clear that I was not going to become pregnant without some medical assistance, I had to have a fair amount of blood tests to check ovulation, hormone levels, and who knows what else. I still remember telling the nurse I didn't do so well and having her nod her head and ignore me. She wasn't able to ignore me as she tried to carry me across the hall to lay down and drink grape juice. Sucker.

Speaking of those times, it's rather impossible for me to not think about those months right now. It was 2 years ago, almost to the day, when we found out our final attempt was a bust. By that point we were out of money and our emotions were rubbed raw. Even though we had both decided that it wasn't going to work, having the finality of the situation right in front of us hit us harder than I thought it would.

I want to make something very clear. For us, adoption is not a second choice or a last resort. We could have kept trying procedures. We could have gotten more money and tried until we were successful. The fact of the matter is that going through all that was one of the worst times in our lives and we were more than happy to be done with it. It is physically, financially, and emotionally straining us more than we felt comfortable with. What we want is to be parents, not for me to be pregnant. What is difficult is having an option, no matter how much or little you want to pursue that option, taken away from you.

As we talked about it the other day I found myself imagining the child that would be here if the results came back differently that day. That child seems a total stranger to me, much more so than the little girl who is halfway across the world, sleeping in a crowded orphanage.

Finishing up the homestudy

You know what isn't fun? Waking up in the middle of the night sobbing because you dreamt that your social worker called to inform you that one of your letters of reference was rejected by China for being sarcastic and that you'd have to start over and somehow come up with an additional $700. Not cool.

I realize that this is only a dream and that we are actually right on track with our paperwork, but it still freaks me out. I keep waiting for something to go wrong. After all the crap we've been through up to this point I have a hard time believing that this will go smoothly.

So where are we now? Well, we are waiting on my background check from MN, then our physicals (during which we get our first AIDS test...um...woohoo?), after that we have one more interview with our social worker. At that point homestudy will be done! If we were doing a domestic adoption, our work would be pretty much done at that point (I could be wrong, let me know if I am). Since we like to take the most difficult road available, we still have pages upon pages of paperwork to take care of. I have to get a passport, US immigration and FBI has to do fingerprint checks, we both have to take 10 hours of parenting classes, we have to write a bunch of letters to the Chinese government about why we want to adopt and are not allowed to say anything about God or politics in them, financial statements from a CPA, collect the hair of a unicorn, and so on.

We get a lot of questions now about if our paperwork is done. Extra no. It wont be completed until about June. At times it's extremely frustrating. We just want a child. It's that time of year when everyone around us is having babies. This time, it's nothing but girls. In some ways we are super excited. After all, we know our girl will have plenty of cousins. Some days it just seems like too much to deal with. The waiting, the red tape, the money. Oh the money! Adoption is extremely expensive; prohibitively so, for many people. We'll make it work, it's just going to be a bit tricky at times. I just have to keep telling myself that we can do this and that it will be worth it.

Homestudy

I've been asked by a few people to explain what exactly a homestudy is. Those who have already been through the process will probably snicker at my mistakes in describing it, but here goes.

The homestudy consists for 4 interviews with a social worker, house inspection, background checks, physicals (with our doctor, not a social worker), and review of our tax returns. Essentially, they are making sure we are qualified to be parents.

The meeting on Tuesday was our home inspection and the first 3 interviews (myself, Kevin, and one as a couple). As Kevin said, Suzanne (our social worker) was warm and very open about the process and struggles of international adoption. She herself has adopted internationally 11 times! We talked for about an hour while waiting for Kevin to get home from work and covered a variety of topics. She asked about my family, my childhood, my courtship and marriage, and what sort of a dad I thought Kevin would be. We talked about the upcoming difficulties we would face being an interracial family, how we can help her feel connected to her heritage, and issues we may have with getting an institutionalized child to bond with her main caregivers. She told about how her own daughter from South Korea had a difficult time fitting in to Young Women's and really didn't feel a connection to all the pioneer stories that are so prevalent in our church.

The most difficult question was when she asked why I wanted to be a mother. I know, it should be easy to answer; for most people it probably is. The thing is I have never been a girl who just ached to be a mother. I didn't do very much babysitting in my younger days, preferring to have a paper route instead. I still don't quite understand the appeal of newborns. Sure, they're tiny and sort of cute after their heads spring back to human-shape, but I find them rather boring. It's not until about a year old that they become cute and fun to me. I spent many years chaffing at young women's lessons that seemed to tell me that my only real value as a woman was to be a mother. Heck, I wanted to be everything from an artist to a paleontologist as a kid, but I didn't have much use for a baby doll to play house with.

Word.

The desire to mother snuck up on me over many years. Nieces and nephews helped, particularly my first nephew, Michael, who was born while I was still serving a mission. He was just over a year old when I got home and we quickly went from being unsure strangers to each other to blowing raspberries and making goofy faces at each other.

Honestly, I still couldn't tell you what changed or why I really want this for myself. What I can say is that I want Kevin to have the chance to be a father. Those who know him know that he is one of these people that kids are just drawn to. Kevin is magical and amazing as far as his nieces and nephews are concerned. Any time we go to my brother's house I walk in the door and am greeted with, "Where's Kevin??!!??" Occasionally, they will say hi to me. As far as they're concerned, my showing up is good only insofar as it means that Kevin will also be there. I don't blame them, Kevin is much nicer and more fun than I am. Even the dogs know that. Here is a typical reaction to each of us from Tikka:
Me- "Oh, hey Jen."
Kevin- "KEVIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Yup, from day one, Tikka picked Kevin. Not 5 minutes after we met her at the Humane Society she stopped and waited for Kevin to catch up to us on our walk around the building. I figure it probably won't be much different with our kid(s). I can live with that so long as I still get to be part of the group.

She Knows Too Much

Wow! Our readership has QUINTUPLED since my last post! I guess this means we've finally become internet famous.

Monday, the house was cleaner than it had been in months. By the time I came home from work on Tuesday, I may have needed an electron microscope to find any rogue dirt molecules, Jen having imposed her mighty Will of Order onto things that once lay in disarray. Only the Evil Hairy Ones roamed about, leaving a trail of filth upon the living room rug. We were ready for the home study.

Well, that's not really true... I had no idea what to expect. My imagination conjured up a stern-looking cadre of inspectors, clipboards in hand, frowning down the lengths of their noses while they delved deep into our worst childhood memories, sighing while shaking their heads and making notes that they were not only going to confiscate our dogs, but recommend that we be given charge over no organism more complicated than a plant.

Plus, they all kind of looked like the evil elementary school teacher from Invader Zim:

Above: those judging, judging eyes

In reality, Suzanne (the social worker) and Jen were laughing when I walked in the door. She turned out to be a very warm, friendly and caring person, genuinely motivated to help us create the right kind of environment to raise a daughter born in another land. She looked around the house briefly, only concerned that there wasn't a smoke detector near the kitchen. Guess what's on my weekend project list?

The interviews were brief and interesting. She asked things such as how we would describe our parents, how well we got along with our siblings, how we met, what kind of discipline methods we planned on using, what our hobbies were (choice quote about the '80s new wave / rock cover band I play for: "Bleh... you only like '80s music because you're too young to have been around for the '60s, when all the good music came out."), etc. Where I expected a deep excavation into my subconscious and harsh judgment of our every moral failing, there was laughter, learning, and encouragement.

Suzanne, having several internationally adopted kids of her own, knows a thing or two about keeping a loving home and good parenting. She left us with a book to read on China's adoption program, some websites to start our parental training, and some renewed perspective.

-- Kevin

Skipping class

This will have very little to do with adoption, so be forewarned. I'll just get the adoption update out of the way right now. We are having our social worker come out to our house to do a homestudy. Once the homestudy is complete, we can apply for some grants. Yay!

Today is hard to describe. It needs some back story.

During my college days, I had a makeup class that changed my life. Stay with me, it'll make sense soon. About half of the class decided not to show up, so our teacher, Warren decided we were all skipping class. "We're going on a fieldtrip, guys. Grab your bags." We went to The Pie and sat around chatting. The conversation turned to goals and Warren talked about setting THE goal. The big, crazy, outlandish 5 year goal.

"Decide where, in your wildest wishing you want to be in 5 years. Forget about what is achievable or not, just pick the goal," he told us. The group had many offerings including being in Hollywood and other lofty achievements.
"Ok, so what stands in the way of you getting from here to there?" Many of us scoffed at this and suggested that luck had everything to do with it. The next thing he said has been with me ever since.
"Nonsense. Luck has very little to do with it. Most of it is work. You want to be a Hollywood actor? You take classes, you meet people who you need to meet, you do everything you possibly need to do to get that. If you have a goal you want to achieve, you overcome every little obstacle that gets in your way until you open your eyes one day and bam, you've achieved it."
Mind. Blown.

This may not seem like a big deal, but for many years, I had looked at what I wanted out of life with a slightly pessimistic view, thinking that things just "worked out" for some people, but that I wasn't one of those people, probably. I didn't realize that there were no excuses.
I decided on that day that in 5 years I wanted to have launched my own line of wedding gowns. I didn't know much about how to do that. I had no idea how the manufacturing worked out, how to market my designs to shops, or even what a trunk show was. I only knew that I wanted that and had wanted it for a while.

That was just over 5 years ago. Today I have achieved that goal. I launched a small line of wedding dresses that are being carried at the shop I've done alterations for for a few years. It's been more work than I can easily describe. It's been stressful and there were many times when I wanted to give up. I am so glad I didn't. It's not the biggest goal ever achieved, but it's the biggest one I've ever completed. It's not New York fashion week, but it feels just as big to me. Besides, I may just make it to fashion week eventually. After all, I need another 5 year goal.