A couple things before I write the conclusion of finding our boy. We had talked prior to getting our paperwork started about what our ideal situation for a second adoption would be. Nora had been given such wonderful care at Eagle's Wings that we got quite spoiled. Most families only get a handful of pictures of their child prior to meeting them. When Nora was placed in our arms, we were also given a flash drive that had several video clips and hundreds of photos. Yes, hundreds (I think between 2 and 3, but the fact remains that we got MANY pictures). Aside from being ahead developmentally, she was incredibly loved and properly spoiled. Heck, they even began calling her XioaNora to get her used to hearing her English name. In a perfect world we would bring home another little Eaglet, be able to visit all of Nora's ayis while we picked up the new little guy, and be spoiled all over again. This actually looked like a slim possibility when we finally had our dossier to our agency as they had one little boy on their list who was from EW as well. There was one significant problem with his file. He was exactly two weeks older than Nora. I know there are lots of opinions on virtual twinning and adopting out of birth order, but for us it just seemed like a recipe for disaster. Nora is VERY strong-willed and bringing in a brother who is instant competition like that would be unfair to her and to him. That said, I am still sad to say this little boy has not found his home and his file is going to the shared list very soon.
So, our dossier was to our agency, they were reviewing it, and it looked like we were going to need to choose between two very cute, though very different boys. The boy Kevin felt more drawn to was only 6 months old and had cl/cp, a need we were very familiar with by now. On paper it seemed perfect, and he was incredibly cute. The boy I kept coming back to was over a year old with a repaired heart condition. He was in a foster home that seemed to be doing a great job with his care, and I had felt from the beginning of our adoption journey with Nora that we had a heart baby out there.
Here's the thing. Having to "pick" your child sounds silly and novel in theory, but it is absolutely cruel and tortuous. I sat for hours staring at two little faces wondering if one was our son and heartbroken that one, maybe even both, was not meant for our family. How do you look at these precious babies and weigh pros and cons objectively? How do you let yourself grow attached to one at the expense of another. The one redeeming factor was that a few kids we had looked at previously had been matched to their families. We ultimately had to go by faith and trust that if one of these boys wasn't "ours" it was because there was a better fit out there for us and for them. It didn't make it much easier, but it did make it mostly bearable.
About 3 days into our 9-10 business day wait, a few new boys were added to the site. As always, they were adorable. As always, several fit into our list of needs and ages. I had Kevin look at them and ask what he thought, hoping that he might say "Ah, this one is ours" and take the decision out of my hands. After all, I had to be the first to verbally commit to Nora, it was only fair for it to be his turn, right? He mentioned a couple, but said that the little cl/cp boy (let's call him C) was probably still his top choice. He did point out one little boy who was incredibly cute and say he was curious about him (we'll call him S). I also thought he looked like a good potential match, but mostly I just felt frustrated and confused about all of it. I didn't worry about it too much, though. We still had over a week and surely these new boys would be matched before then.
The next day I looked at the site again, and again that new little boy kept drawing my attention. His medical description was a little confusing though. He was listed as having a hemangioma on the side of his head, but in his pictures, his ear appeared to be affected as well. On a Facebook group I am part of there was a discussion on him and wondering if he also had microtia/atresia or not. As it happens, one of Nora's buddies from EW has microtia/atresia of both ears and her mom works with hearing impaired kids everyday. We have spent the last year seeing updates on this little girl, and learning what a manageable need this really is. I spoke with her some and started feeling like we may need to add this little guy to our list of "contenders".
That night, Kevin and I had a long heart to heart about everything. He too had felt more and more drawn to this little boy, but having no real experience with hemangiomas or microtia we were a bit scared. For those who don't know, hemangiomas are birthmarks that typically disappear on their own by age 6-7 and rarely have any other underlying syndromes or worries with them. We talked very openly and honestly about where our comfort levels were with those needs. We also talked about the other two boys. What life would be like, why we felt drawn to them, what resources would be available for them, etc. It became clear after much talk and prayer that we would not be getting our heart baby just yet. For whatever reason, I was feeling less of a draw to him, and so we decided to stop considering the file of the 1 year old heart baby.
After that discussion I had pretty much decided we would be requesting the cl/cp baby's file. It's not that I felt more drawn to him (honestly, I didn't though the idea of such a young baby was very appealing) it's that I was worried about losing another file. I was emotionally tapped out. I wanted the decision out of my hands. We had talked plenty about the other boy and both seemed excited about the possibility of being his family, but there were some worries. S's need was not one we had originally listed on our medical sheet. Surely there were other families ahead of us open to his need. I felt sure that he would be matched before we could request his file, or at the very least there would be a long list of people in front of us wanting to review. As these worries popped into my head I felt calm. I felt a peace about it and new that if he was ours the way would be made clear. In a way, I wanted it to be C. We already knew we had "dibs" on his file. We knew he'd still be there. We knew we would probably travel to meet him before his first birthday, which is a huge luxury in this situation.
I wouldn't even let myself consider that I may have gotten an answer that night. I was too scared to be wrong, or lose a file, or who knows what other horrible things could happen in this crazy adoption story to do anything more than hold my hands over my ears saying "lalalala" while I got that moment of confirmation. I couldn't admit it then, or even after we were finally reviewing a file, but I can fully recognize now that I got as strong of an answer about our son as I did while looking at Nora's picture for the first time. I knew that night. I knew standing in front of our fridge in our dinky basement kitchen who our son was.
I felt peace, but knew we still had to wait another week or more for our dossier to be sent to China. I sent an email to our agency asking for clarification on S and whether there was more than just the hemangioma or not. I told her we were interested in possibly reviewing his file when the time came, but we understood that he was probably being reviewed already. I got an email back saying that our dossier review was done, and now it was being translated before going to China. She said that there was no microtia/atresia with S, just the hemangioma pushing his ear forward a bit. She sent a picture that showed it better. After looking at the picture, I noticed the file name was his name--his full name. Many orphanages assign one surname to their kids to help keep track of everyone. Nora's orphanage assigned a different one to the girls and the boys. I looked at his surname and started crying, finally admitted to myself what I'd known for more than a day. S was our boy. Nora had been given the girl's surname of Zhou, S had been given the surname Zheng, the one for the boys. They were from the same orphanage. I still didn't tell Kevin since I wanted him to have his own answer about this. Plus, we still had a bit of a wait...or so I thought.
The next morning I got an email from our agency. Our dossier was completed and off to China, which file would we like to review? I called Kevin in a bit of a panic. We talked a bit and he said "There's just something about S. I think we should ask for his file." I was having second and third thoughts all over the place. What if I was wrong? What if we were supposed to ask for C and if we ask for S we will lose C??? What if our boy wasn't either of these two??? So many worries. I stopped and forced myself to calm down. I felt the peace I had been feeling come back and, after a brief prayer, felt a strong comfort and the thought, "You already know you need to ask for S, so do it and don't be scared."
I called S and we laughed about what a different situation this was than our last referral call. After a bit of chit chat I asked her is S was available to review. She said he was and would I like to have his file sent? Yes! Yes, I would. After about 10 minutes my email chimed and I saw the pictures and medical information for our little boy. Everything looked great. There were some questions about the hemangioma, but otherwise our pediatrician had no concerns, nor did we. As it so happens, while he is still at the big orphanage that Nora was at for only a week or so, he is being cared for by a charitable foundation that has it's own floor of the orphanage called New Hope. It is almost exactly the kind of care that Nora received at Eagles Wings.
Remember my post about the little boy from EW that lives a few miles from us now? As it turns out, when his family was in China they made a visit to the New Hope home and had a picture of S from back in August. Oh, as it also happens, his dad just happens to be a radiologist who just happens to be BFFs with a highly renowned pediatric radiologist at our children's hospital, and they both just happened to be able to take a look at S's file over the weekend to help clarify his medical situation to us. At this point the amount of confirmations we were getting was a little ridiculous. I asked Kevin how he felt about it and he said it seemed like things were pointing to a yes, but he wasn't 100% positive. He asked how I felt and I said, "I'm pretty sure he's ours. Actually, I've known he was ours for three days." He just smiled at me the same way he did when I told him I had seen Nora's face before and said, "So when do we tell our family?"
Without further ado (cause really, haven't we all had enough of that???) here is the cute little face that we fell in love with.
And that's the story of how little PeiSong became our son.
At the risk of even more words, I just want to say a few things about C and the other little boys we considered. Any of those little boys would have been wonderful and amazing additions to our family, but we know that there are other families set aside for them that will give them what they need more than we can. Song, please don't ever worry that you were somehow less wanted or "meant" for our family than your sister because we had to take a bumpy road to find you. We needed those bumps to get us ready to see your perfect little face and know without any doubt that you were the missing piece of our family. We needed T to teach us about opening our views more, we needed C to remind us that even if something sounds great on paper it can still be different than the plan our Heavenly Father has for us. At the beginning of our adoption journey to you I read a quote that was one of those "just for me" moments and I knew I would need these words as we waited, and as we still wait to bring you home.
"Pray for your children; hold onto them with your faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God." --Orson F Whitney
There will be many more hard days, both before and after you are with us. There will be many more times when I need to hold onto you with my faith, but in finding you I have already seen the salvation of God. I love you, my sweet little BaoBao. In a few short months I will be able to hold you in my arms and tell you how much I loved you from the moment I saw your face, but for now this will have to do.
Just beautiful. He's perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.
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