Things no adoptive parent ever wants to hear

Things continue to move forward with the adoption, which means we are still filling out paperwork. Not as much fun as peeing on a stick, I grant you, but slightly less messy.

I figured now would be a good time to talk about unintentional insults. You see, many people say stupid, callous, sometimes downright hurtful things simply because they don't know any better. Allow me to give you a list of things to never say to adoptive parents (this is by no means complete, and anyone else who wants to throw in may feel welcome to). The following have all been said to us.

1) "At least you don't have to go through pregnancy/breastfeeding/etc!"

Yes, I get it. Pregnancy and all it's accoutrements are not so fun. You know what is less fun? Being poked, prodded, and examined by dozens of nurses, og/gyns, endocrinologists, interns, and heaven knows who else over the course of a few months or years (and paying for the privilege!) only to have a large bill and nothing else to show for it. Then, to continue trying to scrape together money so that you can have every minutea of your life examined and re-examined to determine if you are a fit parent while those around you who are pregnant whine about heartburn and swollen feet. Forgive me if I don't start sobbing for you having to pop some extra tums, I'm busy contacting Minnesota so that they can confirm that I was never charged with child abuse while on my mission.

Sorry for the bitterness. I am actually perfectly fine not subjecting my body to any more trauma than is absolutely necessary and feel no longing for a genetic connection to my child. What sets me off is when people tell me that my situation is somehow easier or that I am taking the "easy" route to parenthood. Do I think breastfeeding would somehow enlighten me or make me a more amazing mother? No. Is it hard sometimes to realize that I don't even get the option? Yes.
For the sake of everyone's sanity, please don't liken adoption to pregnancy. They are different paths entirely and can't really be compared.

2) "Someday you'll want your own kids."

Excuse me, but our daughter will be our own. I am in no ways genetically linked to my husband, but I love him more than any other person on this globe. Talking about an adopted child as if they are somehow inferior, less wanted, or less "real" is a good way of getting a very "real" kick to the teeth.
Here's your language lesson for the day:
Birthparents/birth mom/biological parents= A Ok. Real mom/real child= Flames on the sides of my face
Abandoned/gave up= not a positive thing to say and typically something an adoptive parent never wants said around their child. Made an adoption plan= win*
*I realize that in the case of China adoptions, the birth mom is actually abandoning their child, not consulting agencies, etc. Even so, that is a topic will will address with our girl when the time is right and in a positive manner. Lets agree to not talk about the nitty gritty of where our respective children came from in front of them, hmm?

3) "She is so lucky/you are rescuing a baby/you are so selfless"

I realize and appreciate the good intentions of those who say this and appreciate the sentiment. The thing is, I am no saint. I'm not setting out to save the world. I am not doing this in an attempt to rescue a helpless child and raise her as an example of my own goodness. I want a child, I can't have one biologically, therefore I am using what legal methods I can. We are the lucky ones. What would make her lucky would be a repeal of the one child act in china and being able to stay in her country and culture.
What is more appreciated is saying, "You will be good parents," or "we're so excited for you!" See the difference?

4) Any discussion of how much the baby "costs" or using the term "buying a baby"

Even in jest, it's still uncouth. We are not dealing in human trafficking, so please don't talk about our child as if she were a bag of oranges at the store. Adoption is expensive, that is all you need to know. If you are truly curious it's pretty easy to find out on teh internets how much adoption costs.

5) Anything negative about the birth mom

Here's the deal. China enacted the one child law in 1981 that makes it illegal to have more than one child. They have eased up only slightly and are allowing couples in some areas to have a second child, but heavily taxing them, making it impossible for most people. Because of the need for boys, many girls are abandoned. I'll get into the whys in a later post. Our daughter's birth mom took a great risk in leaving her child someplace she knew someone would find and care for her. If she had been caught she would have been arrested. She will never know what became of her child and will always mourn the loss. We owe her a great deal and will be forever connected to her through our shared grief and joy. Do I need to explain further why I don't like hearing negative things about birth moms?

6) "Now that your doing paperwork, you're going to get pregnant."

I know, everyone knows someone who knows someone who had this happen to them. I'm afraid that it doesn't work that way. Adoption paperwork is not the magical fertility drug that some people seem to think it is. Medical experts couldn't change it, I doubt a few hundred signatures will. Moreover, we are not hoping for that. We closed that door and threw away the key and have been much happier for it. Implying that getting pregnant would be possible, or more greatly desired, diminishes the importance of the adoption. I can't say it enough, I guess: our daughter will be no less loved and wanted and no less "ours" by being adopted than if I had given birth to her myself.

7) Anything about Communism

Again, I get that people are joking and for the most part it doesn't bug me too much now. Once she is here, I will care a lot more. Lets make a deal. I won't call your kid a nazi for being of german heritage and you don't call my girl a commie.

8) "You're too pretty to adopt!"

Yes, a family member said this to me. No, I don't need to explain to anyone why it's messed up.


I think that's about it. I guess it just boils down to taking a few extra seconds to think about if something you are about to say or ask might end in your butt and my boot having a rendezvous.

**Just a note. This is not meant as a passive-aggressive calling out of anyone in particular. It's more of a PSA to help people not unintentionally cause hurt to anyone they know who is adopting.