Jen's Post

I have de-latched the young one for a nap and am actually eating a bit of lunch (though quickly and surruptitiosly) and wanted to thank everyone for their nice comments and support. kevin reads them all to me while I try to get nora to stop fighting me/sleep/eating/everything. She is very strong and I am more than geting a workout. I know it will get better, and I will write a decent post tonight, hopefully, but let me say this is hard in ways i never thought it would be. I got a nasty cold on our last day in Beijing and my energy was already low as my body ried to heal itself. Of course, it wasn't able to much because of the (not so) tiny little wonder who has decided that i am the only thing she can cling to right now. It will get better, I know that, and there are moment of absolute wonder and joy, but there are lows. Oh such lows for both of us as we try to learn to be what each other needs and try to figure out how to work kevin into the equation. Here's the thing. Nora's behaviour toward me is not love, or trust, or attachment. It is desperation. it is a tiny little girl who has gone though absolutely terrifying situations before she was even 1 year old. She has lost her birthmom, and every other caretaker she's ever had and her desperate grip on me is merely her being determined to survive by not losing another caretaker. For me, there is so much love, but for her she is wary of placing her affection on another transient entity. in time it will chage, but in the meantime I hold back the tears from her eyes as she wakes from her naps crying for Mama and definitely not meaning me. It will get better, and in many ways it has, but each new day has new struggles, so please keep us in your prayers and thoughts. That she may come to trust Kevin, that she will know when she wakes we will be there, that we may earn the trust of this wonderful sweet girl who has already made our lives so much greater than before.